Invader Zim: The College Years
by Scribe E
Summary: Zim of the Rings! Chapter 11 Now Up!
1. Zim U.

I'm putting Invader Dib on hiatus for a little bit, at least until everything settles down in the country (me making jokes about the white house at this time would be in bad taste after all.) So consider Invader Dib off for a while to make a remembrance for the people who died in the terrible tragedy of 9/11/01 including a parent of a friend of mine. *moment of silence.*  
  
Anyway, this is a story that popped into my head and I thought would be very funny if I wrote it down and turned it into something. You get to be the judge. Hmmm I guess I should do something funny to lighten the mood....*pours a shake down a nearby man's pants, man gets a relieved look on his face, author backs away slowly.*  
  
INVADER ZIM IN COLLEGE!  
  
Chapter 1: Zim U.  
  
"7 years." Zim said sitting in a dark corner of his house. It had been seven years since he first arrived and of course, he still looked the same due to his Irken origin. "7 years I've been trying to conquer this world and I haven't been able to. What is it about this place?"  
  
"Tomatoes." Gir said in an opposite corner, squeeking a small Spooky toy.   
  
"Tomatoes?"  
  
"Tomatoes."  
  
"Hmmmmm....OF COUR...Wait a minute, that can't be right." Zim said scratching his head. "Dammit Gir, stop polluting my mind. I should be enjoying this time when I get off school."  
  
"School is cool for me and you!" Gir began to sing to himself, squeeking like mad.  
  
"Let me see, maybe if I made some kind of catapult to launch people into a wormhole filled with Salsa....NO!" As Zim became more frustrated, he heard a knock at his door. Getting up from his dark corner, he quickly put in his contacts and wig. He then flung the door open to see a tall teenager with glasses, spikey black hair, baggy jeans, a goatee dyed blonde, sandles on his feet, and a long shirt with a picture of an alien being dissected.   
  
"Whattup Zim?" Dib said, leaning against the side of the house. "Looks like your still a midget."  
  
"DIB! GET OFF MY LAWN!"  
  
"Up yours Narc!" Dib said jokingly, noogieing Zim into the ground. "I would be asking what you were doing but I would probably get the same answer I always do, which would be...."  
  
"Trying to take over the world." Zim replied.  
  
"But thats what we did last night Brain!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Inside joke."  
  
"You certainly are acting rather non chalant around me. Aren't you going to try to destroy me like you always have?"  
  
"Like I always have? Zim, I stopped trying to destroy you after the pudding incident where I realized that you have a better chance of pulling monkeys out of your...uhhh...squeedily spooch then take over Earth."  
  
"THAT PLAN WAS FOOL PROOF!" Zim screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
"You waved a pudding cup at a clown and demanded he give you English citizenship."  
  
"That was only stage one of a two part plan."  
  
"Really? What was the second part?"  
  
".....Second part?"  
  
Dib slapped his hand against the front of his face and shook his head.   
  
"Look, I just came here to give my goodbyes and wish you luck on your little crusade."  
  
"Goodbyes? You're leaving! NOW MY PLANS CAN GO UNFETTERED!"  
  
"Yeah whatever. I'm going to college and so won't be here to 'stop' your plans." Dib then began to laugh heartily, remembering all the stupid attempts Zim made at conquering the world.   
  
"QUITE! DO NOT MOCK AN IRKEN INVADER! AND FOR GOD'S SAKE TAKE YOUR SISTER WITH YOU, SHE'S BEEN IN MY HOUSE FOR 3 YEARS!" Zim yelled pointing back at a crazy looking Gaz, picking the petals off a flower.  
  
"IloveZimIloveZimIloveZimIloveZimIloveZimIloveZimIloveZimIloveZim." Gaz kept repeating, malnourished to the point of near death.   
  
"What the heck's wrong with her?" Dib asked, pointing at his crazy skeleton like sister.  
  
"Too many romance stories."  
  
"Ah. Anyway, you can keep her. I just convinced Dad he didn't have a daughter and since he's never home, he believed me."  
  
"That's great." Zim said sarcastically. "Oh look at the time, looks like you better be going."  
  
"What?" Just as Dib said this, all the gnomes on Zim's lawn sprung to life and began to attack Dib. They bashed their tiny hands against him and tried to move him, but their attempts were pathetic at best. "Oh yeah these things are really dangerous. You know this may have worked when I was the same size as you, but me being 6'2 and all tends to change things."  
  
Dib then simply stepped on the numerous amounts of gnomes, crushing them beneath his heel.  
  
"MY GNOMES!" Zim cried.  
  
"I'll catch you in about 4 years Zim. Try to think of something better then pudding next time." Dib then walked out of the yard and onto the sidewalk.  
  
"OH YOU'LL SEE! YOU'LL SEE WITH YOUR EYES....AND POSSIBLY WITH YOUR TEETH!" Zim then slammed the door, fuming.  
  
"Want a hershey kiss?" Gir asked, holding the small candy between his two fingers.  
  
"....Yes." Zim gulped down the candy and stopped fuming.  
  
"Uh oh."  
  
"What?"  
  
"That wasn't a Hershey Kiss." Gir said as Zim began to vomit all over the ground.   
  
Moving Day.......  
  
"You have everything you need son?" Professor Membrane asked from his floating video monitor.   
  
"No problem. I'm ok dad."  
  
"Thats terrific, I'm going to go over here now." Dib's father's monitor then simply turned around to Dib and stared at the wall. Dib let out a sigh as he finished unpacking all his stuff. It was getting toward the evening and he still hadn't seen his roommate or even got to find out what his name was, but he figured he would get some dinner anyway.  
  
"This is how you remind me! THIS IS HOW YOU REMIND ME OF WHAT I REALLY AM!" Dib began to sing along with his cd player as he walked out of his room. As he walked past other people preoccupied with packing all their clothes and various things into their tiny rooms, he hummed a few more bars of the song he was listening to. It took Dib about two minutes to get to the cafeteria where everyone ate.   
  
"I wonder if they have any Fruit Loops?" Dib perused the wide assortments of foods and still found nothing what he wanted. "No Fruit Loops. Christ, I'll never survive."  
  
"So I said 'Dude, don't touch that racoon, its got viruses and stuff.'" Everyone laughed at the joke told by the mysterious stranger. Dib tried to see who it was, but the crowd was to thick, so he gave up and took a handful of gummi bears. "How much?"  
  
"7.50." The cashier said.  
  
"WHAT? DOLLARS? BUT I ONLY HAVE A HANDFUL OF GUMMI BEARS!"  
  
"Yes, its on sale today." The cashier said, ringing up the sale. Dib grudgingly took out the money and put it on the table. He pocketed the gummi bears and began to walk back to his dorm room. As he finally made it, he reached for the door knob and turned it. Before he finished opening the door, he heard sounds from within. "Oh good, my roommate must be here."  
  
Dib opened the door only to see....  
  
"Why hello there Dib." Zim said, making his bed. "Looks like we're gonna be roommates."  
  
End Chapter 1  
  
JOIN US NEXT TIME FOR BEER.....and other things not pertaining to beer.  
  
Chapter 2: Roomie from H-E-Double Hockey Sticks! 


	2. Roomie from H-E-Double Hockey Sticks

The new cool word for the year is sick. Sick meaning cool or dope. For example, "That music video is sick my fine feathered friend." Use this word at your discresion. Thank you and good night.  
  
Chapter 2: Roomie from H-E-Double Hockey Sticks  
  
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!" Dib kept repeating walking around the room. Zim watched on, disinterested, still packing away a lot of his things. The small Irken put away a lot of his clothes, Dib still circling the room.   
  
"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Aaannnddd yes." Zim replied, finishing his packing.  
  
"YOU CAN'T BE MY ROOMMATE! YOU JUST CAN'T!"  
  
"Why do you care? I mean its not like your going to try to stop my plans right? Oooooo." Zim then began to wave around a cup of jello jigglers madly in front of Dib's face.  
  
"GET THAT THING THE HELL OUT OF MY FACE!" Dib slapped the cup out of Zim's hand and lifted Zim high into the air. "WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING HERE?"  
  
"Well, as you said before, my plans as of late have been a little lacking and seeing as how I could no longer remain in the old skool, I needed a new place to carry on my infiltration."  
  
"So you picked to live in MY room at MY college?"   
  
"Of course, how else would the plot progress?"  
  
"Plot?.....I hate you so much Zim."  
  
"There's the old Dib I remember." Zim smiled cruely as he wrestled himself out of Dib's grasp and made it back to the floor.  
  
"No." Dib said as he began to regan his composure. "The way I acted was a long time ago. I've become cool now. I'm more mature and composed and I'm not obsessive as I used to be."  
  
"Sure you are, Dibbo."  
  
"ANYBODY WANT ANY LITHIUM?" Gir cried as he burst out of Zim's closet, running around with a lithium tank to his back.   
  
"OH HELL NO! NOT YOUR ROBOT!" Dib cried trying to push Gir out of the room.  
  
"He accompanies me everywhere, even when I don't want him to." Zim said rolling his eyes.  
  
"LOOK WHY IS GIR EVEN HERE?"  
  
"Cause I'm a chick magnet, duh. Wanna see?"  
  
"Wha? NO GIR NO!" Zim cried out, trying to reach Gir, but it was too late. Gir switched on a lever hidden underneath his chest plate as the song "En Fuego" began to play and a large disco ball popped out of his head. As the music played and Gir danced, numerous amounts of girls began to burst through the walls against their wills and slammed into the small robot disguised as a dog.  
  
"MY SPLEEN!" One of the girls cried in horrible pain as her body broke against Gir's metal exterior.  
  
"Don't pay attention to your injuries against the green dancing dog." Zim futily said as he tried to reassure the broken and bleeding girls. "This is all part of an....experiment?"  
  
"This is not happening. This is not happening. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!" Dib yelled out as more and more girls made holes in the walls, Zim trying to console them in the background.  
  
"That'll heal right up. No your leg will be just fine, just don't use it anymore. You can barely notice the indentation in your forehead. No I don't think your fat." Zim said, running from girl to girl at hyperspeed.  
  
"TIME TO CRANK IT UP A NOTCH!" Gir yelled as the music began to pump out louder and faster.   
  
"MUST....REACH....SWITCH!" Dib pushed his way through the pile of growing chick corpses, trying desperately to reach the small robot. Jumping past a nearby flying girl, he leaped just in time to knock the switch down into its former position and tumbled across the floor.  
  
"Ooooohhh I wanted more chicks." Gir said sadly, walking back into the closet.  
  
"You see Dib, I'm not such a bad roommate am I?" Zim said, standing ontop of the heap of dead girls, covered in blood and gore.  
  
"Zim.....Its only been the first day. Classes haven't even started yet and not only have you destroyed most of our dorm room, but you've killed half the female population on campus. I can't even find the words for this situation. I mean how could this possibly get any worse?"  
  
Right on cue, the skeleton like Gaz popped out of the other side of Zim's closet.  
  
"I wrote a poem? Who wants to hear it?" Gaz said pulling a long piece of paper out of her nose.   
  
"Please God no." Dib said falling on his bed.  
  
"I love Zim. He loves me. I live in a shoebox. I killed an owl." Gaz then pulled out a dead owl, half of which had been eaten, most assuredly by Gaz.  
  
"THAT DOESN'T EVEN RHYME!......Does anyone have a gun? Seriously." Dib asked.  
  
"Don't worry about her, consider her a part of your regular life as we adjust to college life. To answer your previous question: Yes I have a gun, but your sister is apparently too crazy to shoot." Zim replied, pulling out a laser gun and firing it directly at Gaz. The laser beams streamed towards Gaz's face and zinged in opposite directions right before it hit her.  
  
"This is not happening. It can't be. I have a goatee now, that makes me cool. This must be a dream. That's the only logical explanation." Dib then began to frantically pinch himself. "WHY AREN'T I WAKING UP?"  
  
"Listen this doesn't have to be a bad thing. I mean its just like three's company except there are four of us."   
  
".....I really hate you Zim."  
  
"Let's walk and talk." Zim said with a smile as he took Dib by the arm and dragged him out of the room, the teen still being in shock. "Now listen I know there's been a history between the two of us in the past, but that can change now. All you have to do is look the other way and when I take over the world, I'll make you my monkey."  
  
"LIKE HELL ZIM!" Dib broke free of Zim's grasp and slammed him against the wall. "Just because I'm ignoring your plans because of their stupidity does not make me your monkey."  
  
"YO ZIM!" A large group of college guys, obviously bombed out of their minds, walked up to Zim and Dib. "YOU THE MAN DAWG!"  
  
"What the hell?" Dib looked confusedly at the wandering group of drunks as they passed by and patted Zim on the shoulder. "What's going on Zim?"  
  
"Oh you mean my.... Phat rep?" Zim poked Dib in the side confidently and began to wink.  
  
"PHAT REP? YOU CAN'T HAVE A REP ALREADY! YOU'VE ONLY BEEN HERE FOR 3 HOURS!"  
  
"Why of course I can. After all, who can deny the workings of....PHAT DADDY ZIM?" The Irken then stuck his finger up in the air triumphantely. Dib simply stood there for a second and then began to shake his head in shame.  
  
"Please....in the name of all things holy and pure, tell me that no one calls you that."  
  
"Hey look, its Phat Daddy Zim." A nearby girl whispered to another girl walking past him by the hall. Zim looked back up at Dib, smiling and shaking his head. The young teen simply dropped his head to the floor.  
  
"*sigh* People actually call you that." Dib said the phrase in shame and began to once again walk along Zim. "I can't believe it."  
  
"Yes thanks to my college chip, I can now develop a reputation and act just as you earthlings do."  
  
"College chip?"  
  
"Yes its just like a technological Irken chip, except its beer." Zim said proudly as he took out a large frosty mug of beer and chugged it down.   
  
"HOLY CRAP! YOU'RE SMASHED!"  
  
"Yep." Zim then wiped the frothy beer off of the top of his lip. "You see by using your state of drunkness, I can appear as flamboyant and care free as the rest of you stink bags."   
  
"Actually thats not half bad of a plan."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"....NO! THATS STUPID! I MEAN COME ON!" Dib said waving his arms up in the air.  
  
"Very well our walk and talk is over, I must now proceed to take over the world. Teleportation on." Zim then blurred out of Dib's sight and returned back to the room.   
  
"Only 198 more days to go." Dib sighed to himself, walking out of the building. "Only 198 more days to go."  
  
End Chapter 2....  
  
  
OOOOOOOO! I ENJOY LIQUID REFRESHMENT! What's gonna happen next? Is Zim the daddy mack or the mack daddy? Will Dib ever regain his sanity? How much more can I possibly make fun of Gaz? Find out all this next time in...  
  
Chapter 3: Class without the "Cl" 


	3. Class without the Cl

Ok, to start off with, if you have been reading any of my stuff, you have seen the poor representation that I have taken with Gaz. I have had her pushed aside, hit with bricks, and currently have her in the role of a deshriveled skeleton, spouting off crazy rants about her love for Zim. Why do I do this you ask? Well, quite frankly, I hate Gaz. I really hate Gaz. Gaz is a very mean kid in the show, and I really mean "MEAN"! She cares little for anyone but herself, in fact I don't think there has been one action taken in the whole show in which Gaz did an unselfless act. For example, whenever Dib gets near her game slave, she pushes him out of the way and/or threatens him with bodily harm. Then, in Nanozim, when Dib starts to play with his own "video game", Gaz, instead of leaving him alone as Dib had in so many other situations, slams him out of the way and takes over.  
Yes I know that many people out there like Gaz, but I think they like her for the wrong reasons. Mostly, its just the "Gaz" who is in Zim/Gaz romance stories. I myself could NEVER EVER see Gaz caring about anyone else more than her game slave. However, this is Gaz's character, she's supposed to be the girl you love to hate. So that's it, that was kind of bugging me for a little while and wanted to get it off my chest.   
.......Nuts now I'm all edgy. *smacks Gaz upside the head with a large mattress filled with cannonballs.* That's better.  
  
Chapter 3: Class without the "Cl"  
  
Zim woke up feeling horrible. He rolled out of bed, almost like a zombie rolling out of its grave. He shook his head around, thinking it a temporary ailment, but could not shake it. He smacked his lips up and down, while scratching his butt at the same time. He looked over to his sleeping roommate and then into the mirror.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"WHAT THE HELL?" Dib sprung out of his bed, striking an action pose. "Oh Zim, its just you."  
  
"WHAT IN IRK'S NAME HAS HAPPENED TO ME?" Zim cried as he inspected himself in the mirror some more. He noticed how he now had hair stubbles growing out of his chin and seemed to have sprouted up an extra few inches over night.  
  
"Holy crap. You've gotten.....older."  
  
"WHAT? HOW CAN THIS BE? I am supposed retain my original form for the rest of my Irken life." Zim then began to grip his head. "AAKK! WHY DOES MY HEAD POUND SO?"  
  
".....THE BEER!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"It's the beer. It's screwing with your biological makeup, causing you to go through what we people here on earth call puberty."   
  
"Proposterous! I would NEVER...." Zim's voice screeched at an unbelievable high tone and he clamped both his hands over his mouth in embarrasment.  
  
"HAHAHA! YOUR VOICE IS CRACKING!"  
  
"SHUT up! Shut UP!" Zim kept trying to scold Dib as his voice kept cracking over and over.   
  
"AAAHAHAHAHA!" Dib walked out of the room, barely able to stand, gut bursting. Dib's laughter could be heard in the hallway as he went to take his morning shower.  
  
"BLASTED human, he will rue the day he crossed the paths of THIS Irken INVADER." Zim's voice kept cracking as Gir rolled out of the closet, a hawaian lay crossed around his neck.  
  
"Ugggg. No more tequila." As Gir said this, Gaz fell out of the other side of the closet with a few thousand dead owls behind her.  
  
"Ugggg. No more owls." Zim shook his head in sorrow as he began to make his bed.  
  
Dib went back to his room a few minutes later after taking his shower to find no Gaz, Gir, or Zim. He opened the closet and found both Gir and Gaz sleeping soundly in their rightful places.   
  
"They're just like a couple of angels." Dib remarked. "If angels ate owls and drank tequila like a hobo with a death wish."   
  
Dib changed into one of his many outfits, long boots, cut off jeans, a "JTHM" shirt and a long leather jacket. He bundled up what books he could scavange off the dirty floor and packed them into his backpack for his morning class. Just as he pushed the door open, Zim burst through with a towel on and a razor in his hand.  
  
"Zim?" Dib asked as he inspected Zim. "Are you....shaving?"  
  
"YES I am shaving, STINK beast. I don't want to look LIKE a BEET nick now do I?" Zim walked past Dib, voice still cracking on a regular basis.   
  
"Yeah I know, but where did you even get the shaving cream to shave?" Dib pointed to the white substance hanging off of Zim's face, pondering.   
  
"Shaving CREAM?" Zim asked. Dib cringed, not wanting to know what the substance was, and left the room, door still open in front of Zim. "Where are you going?"  
  
"Morning class. You do have classes don't you?"  
  
"Of COURSE I do. I just don't WANT you to KNOW them." Zim squeeked, obviously lying.  
  
"Good, now I can be away from you."  
  
"Yep." Zim packed up a number of random things into his metallic backpack and began to follow Dib.  
  
"Zim?"  
  
"YES Dib?" Zim squeeked.  
  
"Why are you following me?"  
  
"If ANYONE is following ANYONE, you ARE the one WHO is FOLLOWING me." Zim said, walking behind Dib, making his statement ridiculous.  
  
"Zim, please tell me you're not going to my class and/or classes."  
  
"Ok, i'm not GOING to your CLASSES."  
  
"Good."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You're lying aren't you?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
".......GODDAMMIT LEAVE ME ALONE!" Dib then began to run away from Zim, but to no avail as Zim's metallic spider legs sprung forth from his back and he began to follow right behind the running teen.  
  
"Aw nuts." Dib gave up the pursuit and simply walked into his class as the pre-pubescent invader followed right behind him.   
  
All of the children in the classroom began to erupt in a whisper as Zim entered the class.   
  
"Look its phat daddy Zim!"  
  
"I heard he killed a bear with a beer bong!"  
  
"I heard he did your mom!"  
  
"HEY!"  
  
"Hi, how's it GOING!" As Zim said this, right on cue, his voice cracked yet again. The class stared at him in silence as he clamped his hands over his mouth once again.   
  
"Dude, what the F***?" One of the students yelled out as he pointed at Zim.  
  
"......" Zim scrambled to think of a solution. "Didn't you all hear? Breaking your VOICE is the COOLEST!"   
  
"NO IT ISN'T!" Zim looked at the outspoken student for a second then lobed off his head with one of his metallic legs. Dib's jaw hit the ground as he looked at the headless corpse.   
  
"Anyone else think ITS not COOL to CRACK your VOICE?" The whole class simultaneously shook their heads as Zim put away his mechanical leg.  
  
"...... Class is canceled until further notice due to.....decapitations." The teacher said, shivering under his desk.  
  
".....WHOS THE MAN?" Zim said in his squeeky voice as the whole class began to cheer Zim's name.   
  
"Please....someone shoot me." Dib fell into his hands and began to shake his head stubbornly.   
  
End Chapter 3  
  
I enjoy the company of squirrels....... Onto the next chapter.  
  
Join us next time for....  
  
Chapter 4: KEGGER!!! KEGGER!!! KEGGER!!!   
  
  



	4. KEGGER!! KEGGER! KEGGER!!

TIME FO THE FUNNY! God good how long has it been since I did something funny?  
  
Zim: A week or so, get off your damn pedestal!  
  
..... Fair enough.   
  
Zim: "Fair enough"? What does that even mean?  
  
Look Zim, just shut up and let me do my monologue and the story will then proceed, hence you get your money.  
  
Zim: My "money" doesn't really satisfy my needs anymore.  
  
What the hell's that supposed to mean?  
  
Zim: I believe my manager's memo should explain everything. *hands E the memo*  
  
Give me that! *starts reading* "On the behalf of said party Zim, my client will receive a total payment of no less than......SIX FIGURES FOR HIS SERVICES?"  
  
Zim: That is correct.  
  
I CAN'T AFFORD THAT!  
  
Zim: I don't have to take this, I'm leaving, you'd better find someone else to replace me cause I'm out! *walks out of room*  
  
WAIT! NO! ....Crap.  
  
Three days later....  
  
All right, it took me three long days of searching but I was finally able to find a replacement for Zim. I would like to introduce all of you to the new Zim!  
  
Hulk: RAAAARR! HULK SMASH!  
  
Ooook, I know this looks bad, but he's green and he works for peanuts.  
  
Hulk: Hulk enjoys the salty taste of nuts.  
  
.......Right. Hulk, if you could meet your costar Dib.  
  
Dib: *walks in* Hey how's it going?  
  
Hulk: HULK DESTROY! *rips Dib's head off and throws it into space.*  
  
DAMMIT HULK! Now I gotta find a new Dib.  
  
Next episode of Invader Zim in College....  
  
Hulk: HULK HATES COLLEGE DIB!  
  
Ted Kennedy/Dib: I'm...soooo messed up right now.  
  
Ooook, that was awful.  
  
Chapter 4: KEGGER!! KEGGER!! KEGGER!!  
  
"Well that was eventful." Dib walked next to Zim as the Irken Invader was swarmed by a mob of college students.   
  
"It most certainly was." Zim pushed his way out of the growing crowd and stood next to Dib. He threw his hands up into the air and pointed his fingers at the crowd with a funny look on his face. Zim then addressed the random mob. "Hmmmmm, I'm getting a little confused. Remind me again whose house it is?"  
  
"PHAT DADDY ZIM'S HOUSE!" The rowdy crowd yelled out in unison, many of which slammed beer bottles together in celebration. Zim crossed his arms and smiled, looking over at the sullen Dib.  
  
"I swear to God, one of these days I'm playing Russian Roulette with six bullets in the chamber."   
  
"You do that, I'll be back in the room later. CARRY ME MY MINIONS!" Zim was then lifted on the shoulders of the druken mob and carried away out of Dib's sight.   
  
Dib trudged his way up to the room and walked through the door. To his dismay, he found Gir sitting on his bed, spreading peanut butter on his sheets and covers. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THAT!"  
  
"I know, this is to help you sleep better." Gir continued to spread peanut butter all over Dib's bed.  
  
"Give me that!" Dib swiped the peanut butter jar and knife out of Gir's hands and threw them in the trash can. "WHY WOULD THAT HELP ME SLEEP?"  
  
"Because if Mr. Ed tries to eat your bed spread, his gums will get all sticky making him look like he's talking. Then, when he's talking, you'll be woken up and get the drop on him."  
  
"......Get off my bed." Gir hopped off Dib's bed. Dib folded up the soiled bed spread and threw it in his closet. "You know now would be the point when I would do my homework, but considering Zim put the fear of God into my teachers, I won't be having homework for quite sometime."  
  
"When I touch mushrooms, I grow bigger. When I touch flowers, I can shoot flamey thingies. When I touch feathers, I get a cape! I'M A PLUMBER!" Gir ran around the room in circles. Dib sat down on his bedspread and stretched out, looking up at the ceiling.   
  
"You know besides Zim, Gir, my crazy sister, and the constant craziness, college hasn't been half bad for the day I've been here. I could get used to living like thi..." Before Dib could finish his sentence, a skeleton like hand burst through the bottom of the bed and grabbed Dib by the shirt. "HOLY CRAP!"  
  
"Sorry." Gaz popped out from underneath the bed with a necklace made up of monkey feces designed in the shape of roses and a bracelet of mouse bones. "I thought a mind assasin was trying to kill me through your bed."  
  
"Gaz, just....just go back to the closet." Dib put his hands on his face and shook his head sobbingly. Gaz saluted her brother, marching back into Zim's closet.  
  
"Please, someone end this nightmare that is my life."  
  
"All right Dib, you must now come with me." Zim said, pushing his way into the room.   
  
"Zim. I'm not helping you with anything."  
  
"You will help me Dib, after all roommates help one another do they not?"  
  
"Hmmmm, if I help Zim maybe I can sabotage whatever the hell he's trying to do and get him kicked out of school in the process, ending this nightmarish scenario." Dib thought to himself.   
  
"All right Zim, you forced it out of me. What do you need?"  
  
"Excellent. I need you to escort me to a 'frat' and to show me what to do there."  
  
"Holy crap! You got invited to a frat party? Which one?"  
  
"Well, they call it..."  
  
Three hours later....  
  
"Welcome to Alpha-Cyber-Beta-Tron. I'm your host for this evening, Optimal Supreme, cause I'm supreme to all the ladies, ohhhh yeeaaahhh." The leader of the frat said, slicking his hair back as he talked to Dib and Zim.  
  
"Whatever." Dib said as Zim looked around the room.  
  
"Kegs are over there, now get drunk and ROLL OUT!" The apparently drunk host then fell to the floor and vomited all over Dib's shoes. "Light...our...darkest...hour."  
  
"OH MAN! MY KICKS!" Dib said wiping off the vomit from his shoes. Zim looked at him strangely and poked Dib in the side.  
  
"Is this part of the 'frat' ritual?" Zim asked inquisitively.  
  
"NO! Just mingle or something while I go clean up." Dib turned his back to Zim and walked away.  
  
"MINGLE I SHALL! I SHALL MINGLE LIKE NONE HAVE EVER MINGLED BEFORE!" Zim walked up to a random girl and punched her in the face. "FEEL MY MINGLE!"  
  
"AAhHh! I just got punched by Phat Daddy Zim!" The girl cried out.  
  
"Yeah." Another girl said, walking up to her. "You are so totally lucky."   
  
"Crap." Dib said as he looked at the long line for the bathroom and looked down at his shoes. "This is just like that stupid movie 'Can't Hardly Wait,' except I'm not in love with some hot chick like...Jennifer...Love..."   
  
"Hi." A girl said as she passed by Dib and winked at him. Dib's jaw dropped to the floor as the girl walked out of his sight.  
  
"Dude." Some drunk guy said as he walked up to Dib and looked at his jaw hitting the floor. "I gotta lay off the beer.....seriously."  
  
Dib lunged out of line trying to find the girl, only to run into Zim.  
  
"Crap! GET OUTTA MY WAY ZIM!"  
  
"NO!" Zim said, his mechanical arms blocking Dib's path. "You have to teach me more!"  
  
Before a fight could ensue between the two enemies, the door slammed open.  
  
"HOLY CRAP!" One of the members of the frat yelled out. "Its the DECEPTIBONGS!"  
  
"THE WHO?" Dib cried as the large group of opposing college kids stormed the party.   
  
"OUR RIVALS! KICK THEIR ASSES!"   
  
"DIE AUTODRUNKS!" The leader of the deceptibongs cried as they tried to fight each other, only to do a very horrible job. Each punch that was thrown missed off the mark and many of them fell down seconds after the fight began.  
  
"Weed is superior, Beer is inferior." One of the deceptibongs said, arguing with an Autodrunk.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU CALLIG INFERIOR, BONGO?" The two rival members then simply passed out before the fight could even begin.  
  
"Ok, this is ridiculous." Zim grabbed Dib in one of his mechanical legs and smashed through a window, running back to the room.  
  
"So what are you their leader or something?" A girl asked, talking with one of the Deceptibongs at the party.  
  
"Yep, the ladies call me Megabong, cause I'm Mega....down there. Get it?"  
  
"Sadly yes. So do you turn into something or what?"  
  
"I turn into a handgun with a lot of power behind it!"  
  
"Really? That's kind of sexy, so you can fire yourself?"  
  
"Well, not really, I need someone to pull my trigger."  
  
"So basically if someone isn't there your useless?"  
  
"......Yes." The girl then walked away giggling as the leader of the deceptibongs hanged his head in shame.   
  
"I never want to remember this night ever again." Dib said, curling into his bed, Zim working on some experiments.  
  
"Don't talk to me stinkbeast, your pitiful attempt at teaching me the ways of the frat was laughable at best."  
  
"Shut up Zim and let me sleep." Dib brought the covers over his head and fell asleep.  
  
Hours later.....  
  
"A horse is a horse of course, of course."  
  
Dib awoke to the strange jibberings of what appeared to be someone talking.  
  
"What the hell?" Dib threw the sheets off his bed, brought out a flashlight and shined it at a large horse, eating his bed spread.  
  
"THE FAMOUS MISTER ED!" The horse said as it's gums went up and down from the large amount of peanut butter Gir had placed on the bed.  
  
End Chapter 4  
  
OOOOO! I know, I'm very sorry. What will happen next? Will Mister Ed become a permenant part of the cast? Will Gaz be overtaken by the mind assasin? Why was it that the leader of the Deceptibongs had such a crappy transformation considering he was the leader? I mean come ON!  
  
Join us next time for.....  
  
Chapter 5: Zim discovers the internet....MAY GOD HELP US ALL! 


	5. Zim Discovers the Internet....May God He...

ITS TIME TO PARTY! WHERE HAVE I BEEN! To answer all of your questions, I've been tunneling through the mines of mole people, eating their skin for warmth. *Scribe E shoots crazy person wearing Scribe E costume*  
  
Ok, thats not the true story. I have been so fraggin busy its been ridiculous. I'll try to write more when I dont have to deal with school....and girlfriends.....and other things. Please, you must still love me. LOOOVVEEE MEEEEEE! *sniff sniff* Do I smell the scent of Sasquatch?  
  
*Scribe then shoots the other guy dressed like him*  
  
Chapter 5: Zim discovers the internet.....MAY GOD HELP US ALL!  
  
"And that is your assignment for the day, all you have to do is find an internet site and destroy it from the inside out." Said the teacher who was twitching every second.  
  
"Uhhhhh, that seems a little.....illegal." Dib said, pointing it out to the teacher.   
  
"It won't be under my new regime. Trust me you'll all be elected praetorians of the swamp once I overtake the queen."  
  
"........."  
  
"........."  
  
"......You make me sad."  
  
"LEAVE NOW!" The teacher said as everyone began to leave the room. "Thats means you too ZIM!"  
  
Zim awoke from his sleep with a large amount of drool hanging from his mouth. "WHAZZIT?"  
  
"Zim, leave." The computer teacher said.  
  
"Yeah Zim, you have to come back to the room and help me get rid of the horse thats plaguing us so much."  
  
Back at the room....  
  
"You'll never get past my fists of death!" Gaz yelled, strapped from head to toe in gladiator armor.  
  
"NEEEEEEEeeeeEEEE!" Mr. Ed cried as he stood on his hind legs, flailing them around.  
  
"Listen I can't make the deal if you don't lure them into the basement. " Gir said, talking on a cell phone made of what appeared to be beer bottles. "WELL USE CANDY!"  
  
Back at the class.....  
  
"I don't need to worry about such infentesimal things. They mean nothing to me." Zim picked up his books and began to walk out the room next to Dib. "All I must do is learn of your silly assignments and do them to fit in."  
  
"*Sigh* Just use the internet Zim and destroy a site."  
  
"In...tttteerrrr...net? What is this net? A weapon?"  
  
"No Zim, its a...." Dib stopped in his tracks as he saw the girl from the Frat. "Computer.....thingie...I GOTTA GO!"  
  
"What? OOF!" Dib pushed Zim out of the way, knocking him into a water fountain. Dib followed the girl, out of Zim's sight. "THOUGHT YOU COULD KILL ME WITH THAT PATHETIC ATTEMPT?"  
  
"No." A sniper said next to Zim loading his gun.   
  
"What the?"  
  
"Don't ask questions. It makes things hard." The sniper then disappeared in a puff of smoke.  
  
"Oook. Now where is the computer lab?" Zim looked over the halls and saw a door labeled 'Compuueterz' "This must be it. These human information boxes will be nothing before the might of an Irken elite."  
  
Zim walked into the room and sat at the nearest computer. He looked over the screen and keyboard.   
  
"Doesn't seem to difficult."  
  
Attempt #1.....  
  
"All right, lets see how you turn this on. Hmmmm." Zim smacked the side of monitor and then kicked the screen. "My vast knowledge shall uncover your secrets."  
  
Zim thought to himself for five seconds then looked back at the screen. "AH HA!"  
  
"OH MY GOD!" A student said as she walked in on Zim eating the mouse.  
  
"Nothing wrong here other student worm. I'm simply using this compador to function my inner thoughts."  
  
Attempt #2.....  
  
"All right, I got this disgusting box to turn on somehow." Zim said to himself, his toe accidently hitting the on button. "Note to self, to operate computer, eat the oval shaped object with a string."  
  
Zim looked at the screen once again and began to ponder. "Now how do I get onto the internet."  
  
"*Sigh*" An internet geek sitting behind him said. "You have to click on the internet icon."  
  
"I see." Zim said as he investigated the screen more.  
  
"Why are you breaking the screen with a hammer?" The internet geek asked as Zim proceeded to smack the glass.  
  
"I'm surfing the web!"  
  
Attempt #3.......  
  
"Ok, luckily that geek baby was able to get me onto the internet. Now all I must do is conquer it, then THE WORLD! Now to go to a human website." Zim confusedly looked at the buttons of the keyboard and pressed one randomly. As he hit a set of keys, thousands of windows with pictures of porn showed up on the screen. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"YOU IDIOT!" The geek cried. "YOU HIT THE PORN BUTTON! TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER BEFORE ITS...."   
  
The computer then exploded from all the excess porno.  
  
Attempt #4......  
  
"Ok, I'm surfing the web now." Zim said on another computer. "Lets see, this ssseeeaarrccch engine will help me to find what I seek. I shall type in animals first to see what happens."  
  
Zim proceeded to type in animals and then hit enter. Thousands of beastiality windows then popped up onto his screen.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The computer then exploded in Zim's face.  
  
Attempt #5......  
  
"Very well. Now this computer shall work for me." Zim said on yet another computer. "Now I shall search for..."   
  
"Whatcha doin?" Gir interrupted.   
  
"GIR! PUT ON YOUR COSTUME BEFORE SOMEONE SEES YOU!" Zim yelled. Gir looked around for two seconds then kciked Zim out of the chair.  
  
"OOOOO WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON?"  
  
"GIR NOOOOOOO!" The computer was then swamped with porn and exploded.  
  
Attempt #6......  
  
"BLAST YOU! WORK YOU PIECE OF FILTH! WWOOOORRRKKKK!" Zim hit the keys as hard as he could, causing something to show up on the screen. "Wha?"  
  
"Oh my God kid, you found a website without porno!" The internet geek said.  
  
"I did didn't I?" Zim looked at the screen closer and viewed the website. "It says, 'Do you not like porn? Then you've come to right place, click on this for more!' Very well."  
  
Zim clicked on the link causing thousands upon thousands of ads to show up on the computer.   
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
Failure......  
  
"How was your day on the net, Zim?" Dib said sitting in his room, in a body cast.  
  
"So...much....porn...." Zim muttered, walking into the room.  
  
"Thats usually the most common response."  
  
"What happened to you stinkboy?"  
  
Dib sighed to himself. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."  
  
"NEEEEEEeeeEEEEEEEEEE!" Mr. Ed cried.  
  
"GOOD LORD!" Dib cried as he tried to move futily. The large horse then dropped on top of the injured boy as it moved its gums up and down.  
  
End Chapter 5  
  
I know, I know. That was pretty bad. I blame the horse. Will Dib recover? Will Zim ever be free of Porn? Will Mr Ed go away? What happened to Dib?  
  
Join us next time for......  
  
Chapter 6: What happened to Dib? Wait I said that already. NO I SAID IT IN THE CHAPTER TITLE! OH NO THIS IS ALL GONNA BE THE TITLE! Stop talking....now.......ok now......NOW!......Damn. 


	6. Dib and the Wondrous Tale of Nether Lips

I hope everyone has got their stomachs in check because here we go! WHAT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR! CHAPTER 6!!!  
  
Zim: Why do you do that?  
  
Uhhhh do what?  
  
Zim: Trying to proclaim yourself as a god amongst men.  
  
Is that what I'm doing?  
  
Zim: YEAH ITS WHAT YOU'RE DOING!  
  
No it isn't. I'm simply giving the people what they want.  
  
Zim: At the price of their souls!  
  
Thats not true....*puts away contract for the soul of the reader*  
  
Zim: Whats that then? *points at contract*  
  
My grocery list.  
  
Zim: Your grocery list?  
  
Yep.  
  
Zim: Let me see it then.  
  
No.  
  
Zim: Whaddaya mean 'no'?  
  
Its private.  
  
Zim: Look if you don't let me show that to the reader I'll disintegrate you with one of my lasers.  
  
Not if I don't write you doing it *smiles*  
  
Zim:.........GIMME IT! *opens up contract* "I do hereby grant the soul of one Invader Zim so that I may have a night of Whoopie with one Anna Kornakova?!" YOU SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR WHOOPIE WITH THE TENNIS CHICK??  
  
AND AWAY I GO *leaps out the window* WORTH EVERY PENNY!  
  
Zim: DAMN YOU E! DDAAAMMMMNNN YYYOOOO.....Mmmmmm Groceries.  
  
Invader Zim: The College Years  
  
Chapter 6: Dib and the Wonderous Tale of Nether Lips *I actually read that term used in a story and I laughed for twenty minutes straight. And yes I changed the title, so sue me.*  
  
Dib's head fell back, hitting against the top of the student's table behind him. The girl, who just so happened to sit at said table, leaped out of her seat and looked down at the sleeping Dib.  
  
"Uhhh excuse me." The girl poked at Dib's head with her pen, trying to awaken him.   
  
"Mmmhhmfjdeu." Dib stirred for about two seconds then went back to sleep. The girl behind him giggled and once again tried arousing him, this time thrusting the pen harder at his head. Just as the pen almost reached his head, Dib swung his face toward the pen and opened his mouth as to let out a snore, still sleeping.  
  
"OH NO!" The pen thrust down, right into Dib's mouth. The girl quickly let go of the pen in shock, causing it to sift down Dib's mouth, causing him to swallow it.  
  
"GggguuUUUUKKK! UUKK! AAAAKKK!" Dib awoke from his sleep with the pen blocking his windpipe. He clawed at his throat in vain and felt the object protruding at both ends of his air passage.  
  
"OH MY GOD!" The girl cried out as the whole class spun around and looked at the choking Dib. "Wait I know what to do."  
  
"GGGUUUKKK GUUUKKK!"  
  
"Ok, hold still." The girl put her hands on Dib's shoulders, causing him to calm down a little, and then kicked him in the tool bag as hard as she could.  
  
"AAAAAAAA!" The force from the blow caused Dib to spit out the pen, not to mention making him fall to the ground in horrible pain.  
  
"Are you all right?" The girl asked, kneeling beside Dib, the class still watching in awe.  
  
"NO! I think I was better off with the pen in my throat." Dib arose to his feet shakily, the girl helping him up. "Thanks, uhhhh."  
  
"Delilah. My name's Delilah." Dib looked at her as she said her name. She had long black hair, green eyes, wore some jeans with a tight black shirt, and was about 5'9.   
  
"My name's Dib."  
  
"Listen, are you good in this class?"  
  
"Just say yes stupid, just say yes." Dib thought to himself.  
  
"Yes."   
  
"Do you think you could come over to my place and help me with it?"   
  
"Sure! Uhhh Delilah?"  
  
"Yes Dib?"  
  
"You do realize that the whole class has been staring at us for this whole conversation don't you?" Delilah looked over to all the students in the class laughing and whispering to one another.   
  
"........"  
  
"And so, in Calculus, you will never need to know any of this but you are required to learn it anyway or you are kicked out of this school. Any questions?" The teacher said, having been talking throughout the whole ordeal. "Class Dismissed!"  
  
"WHENEVER! WHATEVER! BLAH BLAH BLAH SILENCE NEVER! YOU'RE HERE AND I'LL BE HERE, AND THAT'S THE WAY MY DEAR!" Blasted the television as Zim, stood in front of it glaring at the screen.  
  
"Jesus Zim!" Dib said, crashing through the door. "Why are the lights all off? Didn't you go to any of your classes today?"  
  
"Couldn't." Zim said, not turning his eyes away from the screen. "The hips beckoned me to stay."  
  
"The hips? What the hell are you talking about?" Dib looked at the screen and saw a crazy blond haired woman swaying her hips and singing a weird song. "You're addicted to the Shakira video?"  
  
"Must....obey....the hips!"  
  
"Figures that once again your downfall would come from a popstar wiggling her hips and not from some brilliant plan of mine."  
  
"DO NOT DERILE THE HIPS!" Zim yelled, pointing his finger at Dib and looking at the television at the same time.   
  
"Whatever. Listen Zim, I need you to do me a favor tonight."  
  
"HA! Do you a favor? Why should I, one of Irk's mightiest invaders, perform a task for you?"  
  
"Cause if you don't I'll unlock the closet thats holding Gir, Gaz, and Mr Ed for the night, and they'll be all over you like whipped cream on a sundae." Dib swung the key in front of Zim's face.  
  
"......VERY WELL!" Zim yelled. "I will perform a task for you in exchange of having the night alone with the hips. Do you wish me to destroy Chicago?"  
  
"Maybe later. For now though, I want you to come to this girl's room if I call you. When I call you, that will mean that the date has gone horribly wrong and will need an excuse to get out of there. Her room number and building is on this card." Dib handed Zim the card. "Remember Zim, this is a matter of life and death."  
  
"No it isn't." Zim replied, pocketing the card and eyeing the television.  
  
"Ok no it isn't, but treat it that way or you get the Gaz/Gir/Mr. Ed combo. GET ME?" Zim nodded hesitently and watched as Dib walked out of the room.   
  
"Now where were we?" Zim sat back down in front of the television, worshipping the hips.   
  
"All right Dib," Dib thought to himself as he walked toward Delilah's room. "Even though most of your dates in high school went horribly wrong, it doesn't mean this one will. I mean just because you accidently went on a date with a crazy guy who said he was the queen of England does not mean that that will happen again. You're all about the ladies. Oooohhh yeeaaahhh."  
  
Dib knocked on the door and after about the second knock, the door flung open.  
  
"Hi there Dib." Delilah said, standing in front of him. "You gonna come in or what?"  
  
"Heh, sorry. My bad." Dib walked through the door and sat on her bed, placing the Calculus book next to him. He looked at the room, covered in various posters and frilly decorations. "Rooms a nice touch."  
  
"What, yours isn't this nice?"  
  
"Well not really. My roommate is a litte.....sloppy to say the least."   
  
"WHENEVER WHEREVER!" Zim girated his hips to the music in the dark room.  
  
"That's too bad." Delilah responded. "My roommate's not all that bad, although I didn't want her to be here when we.....'studied'."  
  
"Really why not?" Delilah stopped for a moment, lost on Dib's stupidity.  
  
"Oh, no reason." She laughed a little, Dib of course still being clueless.  
  
"Hey, you know what?" Dib said looking over to her desk, a black lamp sitting on top of it. "That lamp seems really familiar for some reason."  
  
"Its just an ordinary lamp." Delilah said, inching closer and closer to Dib.  
  
"I don't know, there's just something about it. I can't quite put my finger on it." Dib said, perplexing over the lamp.  
  
"OH ENOUGH ABOUT THE DAMN LAMP! Let's get down to.....'studying'."  
  
"All right." Dib opened up his book and turned to a random page. "We'll go over some word problems first and then MMMPPHHH!"  
  
Delilah jumped on Dib and started kissing him.  
  
"MMMMMM BLEH! *Puff Puff* WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?"  
  
"We're 'studying'! DUH!" Delilah said, trying to kiss Dib more.  
  
"WHOA! Shouldn't we...I dont know...get to know each other first?"  
  
"God, you really are hopeless aren't you." Delilah said, sitting back pouting. "All right. Jeez I can't believe you didn't even know that studying meant playing hotdogs and clams."  
  
"....I don't think I've ever heard sex called that before in my life." Dib said laughing.  
  
"Well thats what my granny taught me throughout my early life."   
  
"You're granny?"   
  
"Yeah. Its such a pain in the Bitters household."  
  
Dib's heart stopped for a second.  
  
"BITTERS? YOUR LAST NAME IS BITTERS?"  
  
"Ok, its a strange name but your last name is Membrane, so it shouldn't sound to uncommon."  
  
"Jeez, I can't believe that your granny is...." Dib's heart stopped again. He ran for her phone just as he realized why the black lamp looked so familiar.  
  
Zim's phone rang as he continued to watch Shakira.  
  
"We'll return to more kiddie pop videos because we're run by eleven year old girls, here on MTV!"   
  
"Finally, the hips no longer tempt me. Just in time to favor the human no less." Zim reached for the phone and just as he was about to pick it up, the closet door swung open to reveal Gir, Gaz, and Mr. Ed.  
  
"CALL ME GIR THE STAMPEDE! THE ROBOTIC TYPHOON!" Gir yelled sporting a red coat and yellow sunglasses.  
  
"CALL ME GAZ THE CONQUERER! FEARED WARRIOR OF SEMARIA!" Gaz cried with an ancient warhelmet on her head and barbarian battle axe in her hand.  
  
"CALL ME DRUNK!" Mr. Ed cried with six bottles of brandy in his belt and a shirt which said 'No Fat Chicks.' on his torso.  
  
"OH NOOOOOO!!" Zim was then overwhelmed and dragged into the darkness of the closet.  
  
"ZIM! ANSWER THE PHONE! IM GONNA DIE!" Dib cried as he watched the lamp form into the tall, lanky creature who was Ms. Bitters.  
  
"JEEZ GRANNY! YOU ALWAYS KILL THE GUYS WHO I WANT TO GET WITH!"  
  
"Its for your own good Delilah. Now Dib, are you ready to die?"  
  
"Uhhhh Is there any way I could avoid the horrible death thing and get back to the hotdog and clam game?" Dib asked, smiling nervously.  
  
"Well, you would have to have sex with me first and then I would deem you worthy of getting with my granddaughter." Ms. Bitters said, batting her eye lashes and slithering around the room.  
  
"....Riiiiiggghhhhttt. Could you make my death quick and send a letter to my dad telling him of my fate?" Dib asked.  
  
"Will do." Bitters raised up her claw like hand and got ready to strike Dib down, but just then, a bullet flew through the door and through her hand. "HSSSSS!"  
  
"THIS WORLD IS MADE OF..." Gir cried, kicking down the door and shooting at Bitters in his red coat. "LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE! LOVE AND PEACE!"  
  
"GET ME THE HELL OUTTA HERE!" Dib cried as he was cornered between a crazy old woman and a crazy little robot. Seeing his only way out, Dib ran for the window and smashed his way through the glass, bullets flying behind him from Gir's large handgun.  
  
"DANGIT GRANNY! HE WAS CUTE TOO!" Delilah cried, watching Dib smack against the ground.  
  
"I swear Zim, you had better be dead, cause I'm killing you when I get back." Dib said, pulling his face out of the dirt.  
  
"So I says to him, 'YOU'RE FULL OF CRAP!' AND HE SHOT ME IN THE ARM!" Mr Ed said, talking to Zim. "Wanna know where he is now?"  
  
"No. Just let me get back to the gyrating hips. PLEASE!"  
  
"I lusshhveee yoouuu Ziim!" Gaz said, throwing up in his lap.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
End Chapter 6  
  
OOOOOOOOO! SNAZZY! Join us next time for.....  
  
  
Chapter 7: Poop a Poo! 


	7. Strips Ahoy

A brief note for many who are reading this story for the first time. I haven't written Zim in awhile, besides the recent Reign chapter, and I blame this mostly on work and social life (BAH!) However, summer is upon me so I'm going to have enough time to be updating all my stories once more (THANK YOU INSOMNIA!). If you haven't read any of my stuff, RUN DONT WALK to read Invader Dib, Invader Dib 2: When Worlds Collide, Johnny the Homicidal Maniac: I am Jack's Homicidal Tendencies, Zim: The Reign, and of course this story, Zim: The College Years. I've been told by this paid man in a bikini that my stories are piss your pants funny.  
  
Man in Bikini: I enjoy Moneys.  
  
Of course you do. Now sit back and enjoy a little thing I like to call, "Poopee McGee." *stares off into distance as sanity leaves him*  
  
Invader Zim: The College Years  
  
Chapter 7: Strips Ahoy!  
  
"I don't know, what do you wanna do?" Dib said, staring up at the ceiling throwing a ball up and down.  
  
"Listen this can't be that hard." said a Dib's neighbor who lived right next door, sitting in Dib's desk next to the bed. "I mean we have all this technology and stuff, why don't we watch a dvd movie? We could surf the dsl line internet. We could talk to a man in China using our cellular phones. Heck we can even destroy the planet with our huge morphing robots of mass destruction AND MAKE THE STREETS RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF THE SINNERS!"  
  
"?" Dib looked up in a confused state at his neighbor.   
  
"I mean, if we had destroying robots.....I'm gonna go now."  
  
"You do that." Dib slammed the door behind his obviously crazy neighbor and slumped against the door. "Why is college so unbelievably exciting one minute and so dull the other? Think Dib, think. MUST....DO....SOMETHING!"  
  
Five hours later....  
  
"I WAS SO CLOSE!" Zim cried out, practically kicking the door to the room down, making Dib leap from his place in front of the closet. "IF NOT FOR THOSE HORRIBLE CHARMIN ADS I WOULD HAVE....What are you doing?"  
  
"Watching Gir, Gaz, and Mr. Ed re-enact Hamlet." Dib pointed to the three banes of his existence, running amok within their closet prison, eating newspaper comics and making sculputures out of the peanut butter that was falling out of Mr. Ed's mouth.  
  
"Is this the way that human theatre operates?" Zim asked scratching his chin.  
  
"Of course not. During the part when the three witches were supposed to appear, Gaz started vomiting into Gir's exhaust pipe and Mr. Ed cried himself to sleep in the corner."  
  
"Hmmmmmmmm I don't care." Zim slapped Dib over the head, almost hitting him into the closet where he would nearly be mauled to death by the three lunatics. He managed to pull himself back before he fell in completely.  
  
"DAMN IT ZIM! YOU ALMOST..." Before Dib could finish his sentence, Gir's metallic hand, Gaz's boney fingers, and Mr. Ed's hoof was pawing at his jacket.  
  
"We like Fiber." They said simultaneously as they continued petting. Dib slinked back in horror and closed the door to the closet, once again sealing up the three insane asylum escapees.   
  
"Have you done that paper for Biology class yet?" Dib asked Zim as he regained his composure and tried to stop himself from strangling his misbegotten roommate.   
  
"What's a paper?" Zim asked curiously, working on one of his many inventions.  
  
"Oh come on, we've been in school for a good three months and you don't know what a paper is?"  
  
"OOOHHHH A PAAAPPPPEERRRR!" Zim smiled, then once again ignored Dib and went back to his work.  
  
"........."  
  
"........."  
  
"Zim?"  
  
"......."  
  
"ZIM!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"So did you do the paper or what? Jesus man I'm trying to make pleasant conversation here so we can at least pretend we're roommates in this dank hole called a dorm, so answer my questions when I ask them!"  
  
"Paper....Right....Ok I know what this is. Here." Zim stopped tooling around and reached into his desk drawer. He pulled out an object and slapped it on Dib's lap. "It's a guaranteed "Abe"."  
  
"...." Dib looked down at what Zim had slapped on his lap. "Uhhhh Zim?"  
  
"Yes monkey boy?"   
  
"This isn't a paper. This is a urinal cake with the words..." Dib studied the urinal cake closely. "'Biology Ape' written on it."  
  
"Just wait till it activates." Zim said smiling, returning to his work.  
  
"When does that happen?" Dib asked, poking at the cake with his finger.  
  
"When does what happen?"  
  
"The activation!"  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"OF THE....Forget it, just forget it." Dib placed the urinal cake on the ground and once again stared up the ceiling, contemplating his horrible life.  
  
"Oh by the way," Zim said, turning his chair to his roommate. "The stink students on our floor are taking their "Pimp Daddy" ie THE GREAT ZIM! to a Stripe Club tonight. You must accompany me once again."  
  
"A what club?" Dib asked jumping out of his bed.  
  
"A Stipe Club. Apparently there are many a stripers there who will give you a loop dance if you stuff moneys into their B strings."   
  
"OHHH A STRIP CLUB!" Dib proclaimed loudly as he looked over to Zim, still working on his inventions.  
  
"Yes that must be it." Zim finished his tooling and walked over to Dib. "Now tell me what truly does happen at these 'Sttrrrriiiipppp' Clobs."  
  
"Clubs." Dib corrected. "Basically men who have a difficult time getting their mojo workin' go to these places and waste their paychecks on women who will never be there for them, all for the satisfaction of their libidos."  
  
"Hmmmmmm...." Zim pondered. "Is this libido a beast the controls men? Is it a food?"  
  
"Sure Zim." Dib said rolling his eyes. "Its a food."  
  
"VERY WELL!" Zim cried out, jumping on top of his chair. "To fool you wretched stink beasts into believing I am one of you, I SHALL DIGEST MANY A LIBIDO THIS NIGHT! YOU WILL SEE HOW MANY LIBIDOS ZIM EATS!"  
  
"I can believe it." Dib laughed hysterically as Zim paid no attention and stood still in his victorious pose.   
  
"Now all that is needed is your assistance and presence on this night and I will be set for the evening." Zim said pointing at the still laughing Dib. "You dare to still laugh at the trials of Zim? Your toenails shall feel my wrath! FEEL THE WRATH!"  
  
Zim jumped at Dib and began pawing uselessly at Dib's toenails through the aspiring paranormal investigators sandals.  
  
"Stop it."  
  
"Fair enough."  
  
"Listen Zim. First of all, I'm not going with you on your Strip Club extravanganza because I've had enough crazy girls in my life and would rather not pay for them to take off their clothes, I'm classier than that after all." Dib looked up, posing very respectfully with Zim continuing to paw at his toenails. "Second, I highly doubt you'd be ready for a human strip club AND STOP PAWING AT MY TOENAILS!"  
  
"I can handle anything your pathetic planet throws at me. Now tell me of this club."  
  
"Well, let me think of a way to describe this to you..." Dib pondered for about a minute as Zim finally stopped pawing at Dib's toenails. "All right you have females on your planet right?"  
  
"Correct."   
  
"Right, well don't you males ever want to, y'know, get any?"   
  
"Get any?" Zim rose an eyebrow confused as to Dib's meaning.   
  
"You know, knock boots. Clean House. Empty the pipes. Have a wingding. Is any of this getting through?" Dib asked, Zim still looking confused. "All right, SEX! YOU KNOW SEX?"  
  
"Sex?"  
  
"Jesus." Dib slapped his hand to his face. "Ok you know when a male and a female get together and they do something and then there's a baby."   
  
"........"  
  
"*Sigh*" Dib motioned for Zim to watch his hands, put his left index finger and thumb together and pushed his right finger in the hole back and forth.  
  
"OH! YOU MEAN CAKING!" Zim yelled out.  
  
"Caking? That's how Irkens reproduce? How does it work?"  
  
"Well first you get a stadium sized bowl. Then a squeegee. Next one must obtain a spatula of varying colors. Once the spatula has molted then you..."  
  
"STOP! I don't want to know." Dib fell back down on his bed, trying not to contemplate the thought of 'caking'.  
  
"Very well. But you're missing out." Zim said smiling on his own bed. "......I've had many a cake."  
  
"AAAAAAAAA! NO NO NO!" Dib wrapped his pillow around his ears and banged his legs against his mattress.  
  
"But anyway, you will be attending this night's festivities with me once again and I shall promise to....."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Promise to not use your toothbrush to clean up Mr. Ed's accidents."  
  
"OH MY GOD NO!" Dib cried out realizing the horror of his toothbrush. "....You are so dead."  
  
"Is it a bargain?"  
  
"Yeah, fine. Just for the love of all that is holy don't touch my stuff." Dib said as he began inspecting the rest of his things to see if Zim had tampered with them in anyway.   
  
"AGREED! Now for this evening's wretched monument to stinkiness, I have designed my newest and most dazzling attire. BEHOLD!" Zim rain behind his desk out of Dib's sight, changed into his new 'attire' and jumped out. The invader was wearing a horrible green and blue polyester suit with bowling shoes and pants to match. His hair was slicked back with the gel still showing in a thick layer on the top of his fake hair. Tiny pieces of black paper were glued to his chin to give the appearance of a goatee.  
  
"........So dead." Dib clenched his fist.  
  
An hour later.....  
  
Dib and Zim got out of one of the many cabs which had headed to the strip joint, carrying a number of rowdy college students. Dib patted down his clothing for the night, a long black jackets, a shirt that read 'The world is a vampire' and black leather pants that were seemingly a little too tight.  
  
"Man Pimp Daddy Zim," One of the rowdy college students came up to Zim and wrapped his arm around the Irken. "Did you really have to bring your roommate along?"  
  
"Uhhhh..." Zim turned on a small device that was invisible to the naked eye on his neck and replied. "Foo shizzle my nizzle. The square's got my back in case the shizzle hits the fizzle if you get my slang? Whattup now?"  
  
"You DA BOMB PDZ!" The kid said, pointing his fingers at Zim and walking away.   
  
"What the hell was that?" Dib asked, looking at Zim.  
  
"That my hipsta nooge is what we homies likes to calls My newest inventionz 'The College Lingomatic' Givin' yours truly, college speakin verbage on your ass. Comprende?"  
  
"You invented a device to speak 'College'?"  
  
"Foooo sheeezzzeeee."   
  
".......Lets get this over with."  
  
"No doubt. Givin a shout out. Bootylicious."  
  
The crowd of college kids entered into the strip club and sat down at individual tables, Zim and Dib of course being at one along with two other college students.  
  
"So PDZ, hows it hanging?" One of the kids sitting at the table asked Zim.  
  
"Bootylicious." Zim replied, looking very confused.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Bootylicious."  
  
"Uhmmmm is he all right?" One of the kids asked Dib.  
  
"Bootylicious."  
  
"ZIM STOP SAYING BOOTYLICIOUS!" Dib said poking Zim.  
  
"Bootylicious."  
  
"Oh my God his stupid machine must be stuck." Dib thought to himself deciding to let it go and try to act normal. "So how are everyone's classes going?"  
  
"Bootylicious." Zim replied, trying to stop the machine.  
  
".....Yeah we're gonna try to get a closer seat to the ladies." The two college kids got up and walked over to the dancing ladies.  
  
"Bootylicious!" Zim tried to stop the machine with all his might, now with a look of horror on his face.  
  
"All right listen Zim. Here's twenty dollars. Go over to the ladies and start shoving it in their pants."  
  
"Bootylicious?" Zim replied, giving up on trying to repair his College Lingo Machine.  
  
"To blend in, remember after this you leave me and my stuff the hell alone! I won't be privy to your stupid schemes anymore."  
  
"Bootylicious." Zim walked toward the dancing ladies, leaving Dib to his own devices.  
  
"Hi." A waitress in a scantily clad outfit rang out as she walked up to Dib. "My name is Kat. Would you like something to drink?"  
  
"No thanks." Dib said, trying to mask his embarrasment at the close to naked waitress.  
  
"Come on. Don't be so sad. Hows about telling me something about yourself. Your life story maybe? I'm a good listener."  
  
Dib smiled.  
  
Three hours later.....  
  
"SO THERE HE IS FREAKING TRYING TO BLOW UP THE EARTH WITH A SPONGE! A SPONGE! After that whole ordeal thing's got pretty quiet, but now I'm stuck with him as my roommate, my sister's deranged and living in my closet, the alien's robot won't stop pestering me, and Mister Ed keeps eating peanut butter so his lips will move SO IT'LL LOOK LIKE HE'S TALKING!"  
  
Kat blinked once or twice, still sitting at the table listening to Dib.  
  
"But I'm sure you'll think I'm crazy."  
  
"I've heard crazier things Dib." She said as she looked over at the dancing girls.  
  
"Guess you.....Wait a minute how did you know my nam..."  
  
"Why I even heard a story about an Irken Invader who once crushed the dreams of another invader just to get a snack out of a vending machine." She continued on, no longer paying attention to Dib. "AND THEN FOILED HER PLANS ONCE AGAIN WHEN SHE TRIED TO GAIN RETRIBUTION! AAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"I'm not following." Dib said, putting his hands in his pockets.  
  
"For the love of..." Kat replied. "You really haven't figured out who I am yet?"  
  
Dib shook his head.  
  
"K-A-T! BACKWARDS!"  
  
"Tik?"   
  
"No you idiot, TAK! I'M TAK!"  
  
"........."  
  
"BOOTYLICIOUS!" Zim cried out.  
  
End Chapter 7.  
  
OOOOOOO! What will happen next? How did this happen to Tak, the hideous not quite new anymore Irken Invader? What Will Dib Do? Will Zim ever stop saying Bootylicious? Where do babies come from?  
  
All this and more in Chapter 8: Strips Ahoy Numero Dos! 


	8. Strips Ahoy Numero Dos

Well hello there kids! Guess what? A stuido has heard about my stories and has decided to make an autobiographical movie about yours truly! Here is the trailer for it....Yeah the actual trailer itself is in word form.....Shut up.  
  
*trailer starts*  
  
Scribe E: If someone were to tell you that I was just an ordinary kid, not a care in the world, well....somebody lied.  
  
*Scribe E is shown swinging across New York on hot dog strands wearing pantyhose*  
  
Scribe E: It wasn't always like this.   
  
*shown at a crackhouse laboratory*  
  
Scribe E: *to a old man in a diaper* Could I get your picture? For the uhhhh paper....yeah thats it. The paper.  
  
Old man in Diaper: I don't know where I am right now.  
  
Scribe E: That's great. *starts taking pictures as spider lowers towards his hand. The spider lowers itself onto his hand but is then whacked away by an insane looking Gir who then bites his hand instead.* SON OF A....!  
  
Scribe E's drunken uncle: Lissen Scrub E, yous changin. I know, i's went thruoush the same thang.  
  
Scribe E: Not exactly. GET IT CAUSE IM A SUPER HERO! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Forget I said anything.  
  
*zooms to a hospital room*  
  
Crazy old woman with no teeth: He's saved me twice and I don't even know his name.  
  
Scribe E: *asleep in the corner* HUH WHAT?  
  
*zooms to brooklyn bridge*  
  
Scribe E: Who am I?.....I'm Scribe E!   
  
BOOM BOOM BUM BOOM BOOM *continues through scenes of Scribe E fighting a one legged dog on a glider*  
  
*zooms back to hospital room.*  
  
Scribe E's near dead aunt: You do too much. You're not superman you know.  
  
Scribe E: GET IT I REALLY AM A SUPERHERO AND SHE COMPARED ME TO SUPERMAN! DO YOU GET IT?  
  
Aunt: Who are you talking to?  
  
Scribe E: Uhhhhh GO TO SLEEP! *Shoots hot dogs out of wrist at aunt, killing her instantly.*  
  
*Ends trailer*  
  
Ok....it needs a little work. Enjoy the new chapter. *Sigh* So gonna get sued.  
  
Invader Zim: The College Years   
  
Chapter 8: Strips Ahoy Numero Dos  
  
"Tak? As in the Tak you tried to destroy the world from a weiner stand Tak? That Tak?" Dib asked, pointing at the disguised Irken Invader.  
  
"Yes that one. Not too many other Taks on this planet I bet. And would you please stop saying Tak?"  
  
".....Tak Tak Takkity Tak." Tak then slapped Dib over the head, causing him to hit his head on the table. "Sorry."  
  
"You should be."   
  
"So how are you here? Working in a strip club, still on earth, all this time later?" Dib asked.  
  
"Well its an interesting story. It all started when I was blown out of space by Zim cause of Mimi's malfunction. I was stranded. All my technology reduced to rubble. I had nothing to work with. Rather then asking you or Zim for help and disgracing myself in the process. I lived on earth and took many different appearances."  
  
"And this isn't disgracing?" Dib asked, waving his arm to the side showing the dirt that was the strip club.  
  
"Could be worse." Tak said, leaning back in her chair.  
  
"Yeah, you could be still at that weiner stand trying to fill the world with snacks. What were you thinking?"  
  
"It was a good plan. The tallest would have been pleased."  
  
"I mean jeez!" Dib started waving his hands high above his head. "Of all the stupid plans."  
  
"All right enough." Tak said, looking angrier by the moment.  
  
"STUPID PLAN! STUPID!"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"STUPID!"  
  
"SHUT UP!"  
  
"........"  
  
"........" The two former enemies looked at each other silently for a minute.  
  
"STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID!"  
  
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" Tak jumped over the table and started slamming his head against the floor. After a couple good hits, Tak let up on Dib's beating. "Are you done now?"  
  
"Yes." Tak released Dib's head from her grasp. "No wait one more: STUPID!"   
  
Tak screamed out in anger and kicked Dib in the stomach causing him to keel over.  
  
Meanwhile on the other end of the strip club....  
  
"Blasted College Lingo Device." Zim said, appearing to have finally fixed the device on his neck which gave him the ability to speak "college". "The power of Zim's own lingo is sufficient in this venture!"  
  
"YO PHAT DADDY!" One of the rambunxious college kids yelled, walking up to Zim.  
  
"Why hello there stink person for whom I care not enough to learn your name." Zim said waving.  
  
"Yo, youse gots to try this jizung in this glizass." The college kid placed a shot glass on the table filled with a clear liquid.  
  
"What be this?..... says I."   
  
"This be the shiznittle bang snip snap snappa." The college kid said, sticking out his tongue and pointing at the glass with both index fingers. "Its Everclear yo!"  
  
"Ever...clear?" Zim said suspiciously.  
  
"Yeah, its the bizomb. Take one shot of dis noise and you'll get mad honeyz."  
  
"It is lucky for you, human worm, that Zim indeed enjoys his honeys! I shall partake of this dirt drink." Zim grabbed the glass and instantly chugged the shot.  
  
"HOLY CRAP DUDE!"  
  
"What say you?" Zim asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"I've never seen ANYONE drink a shot that fast! At least not without goin damn near crazy." The college kid said, mouth still ajar.  
  
"I...don't...." A large smile grew on Zim's face as his eyes grew smaller, the alcohol obviously taking effect.   
  
"You all right dude?"  
  
".......Bannana people are hoarding my shoelaces."  
  
Back at Dib and Tak's Table.....  
  
"So you basically got a job here to maintain a living on earth?" Dib asked.  
  
"Well, that and I can use the dancers as test subjects in my experiments. Did you not see the last dancer having three arms?"  
  
"Now that you mention it...." Dib scratched his chin. "Hey what happened to your robot?"  
  
"Mimi?" Tak responded. "I sold her for a can of hash and some coffee during a very bad time in my life. I was so out of it, I forgot that human food burns me. I almost burned my larynx out! HAHAHAHA!"  
  
"HAHAHAHAHA!" The two laughed for a good minute. "Wait why are we laughing?"  
  
"Cause my life was so funny when I was CLAWING FOR LIFE ON THIS PATHETIC ROCK! WASN'T IT?" Tak burst into tears.  
  
"Hey come on." Dib said, consoling the female invader. "Don't you remember how bad my life is? Jeez I have a horse in my freaking dorm room, nothing is worse then that."  
  
Tak stopped crying and laughed a little.  
  
"Guess you're right." Tak wiped her face off. "I don't understand you humans sometimes."  
  
"Whys that?"  
  
"Well you live in stupidity and horrible things and yet you seem content with your lives."  
  
"Yeah thats humanity for you." Dib said smiling. "Too blind to see the muck in front of our faces."  
  
"HAHAHA!"  
  
"HAHAHA!" The two laughed together once again.  
  
"You always were funny, even back in your filthy elementary school."  
  
"Yeah you were cool too Tak." Dib said. "Despite the whole, you know, trying to blow up the earth thing."   
  
"That is so overwith. Well at least for the moment." Tak said, thinking about her past attempt.  
  
"Cool. That's...." Dib then noticed Tak's hand on his. "Cool?"  
  
Just as this happened, one of the poles used for the dancers flew at their table, knocking it over, spilling drinks on both Dib and Tak.   
  
"What the....Oh no." Dib said, sighing and shaking his head in his hands.  
  
"HEY EVERYBODY!" Zim yelled, standing on the dancers' walkway, obviously drunk out of his mind. His shoes were on his hands, his gloves were on his feet, he was wearing what appeared to be a suit made out of beer cans and the strips of paper used for his fake goatee were sticking out of his nose and ears. "I'M A SEXY BOY!"  
  
"Ziiiimmmmmmmmm." Tak said in the most evil voice Dib had ever heard. Her holographic disguise disintegrated, revealing the Irken Invader in her true form. She was still wearing the same outfit that she had worn so many years ago, but she now was strangely as tall as Dib. Her metallic spider legs shot out of her metallic backpack and she practically flew at Zim as she leaped from table to table.  
  
"Did someone call the name of the self appointed Queen of Amsterdam?" Zim said, turning to see Tak's fist fly at his fist. The collision to Zim's face caused him to fly through the wall of the strip club.   
  
"Do you know," Tak said as she walked past the rubble made by Zim's collision with the wall towards Zim. "how long I've been waiting to get revenge on you for what you did to me?"  
  
"......." Zim said nothing as Tak grabbed him by the shirt and lifted him up to her face.  
  
"Have you nothing to say ZIM? NOTHING TO ATONE FOR THE PAIN YOU CAUSED ME?" Tak shook Zim back and forth. As Tak did this, Zim looked even worse, his cheeks now puffing up.  
  
"Oh no Tak. Wait don't...." Dib tried to stop Tak, but it was too late. Zim vomitted all over his female Irken assailant. The whole bar seemed to stop at the same time looking at the vomit covered Tak. Shaking, she let Zim fall to the ground. The vomit seemed to evaporate off Tak as steam began to shoot up from her, caused by her unbelievable anger.  
  
"I can splain." Zim said, still drunk out of his mind.  
  
"You....YOU....." Tak's metallic arms began to surge with energy as they got ready to fire an earth shattering blow at Zim. A second before the power was released however...  
  
"EVERYBODY FREEZE! THIS IS A RAID!" The police sprang through the door, pointing guns and handcuffs at all the people in the establishment.  
  
"CHEEZE IT, IT'S THE FUZZ!" Zim cried as him and everyone in the strip club jumped out of the hole Tak had made, running madly to safety.  
  
"Huff Huff Huff." Dib panted as he ran next to Tak, who had Zim in tow by the scurff of his neck. "This is so bad."  
  
"Yes it is." Tak said running as fast as Dib.  
  
"DUDE!" One of the college kids said, running away from the cops like everyone else. "Dib that freakin chick is an alien yo."  
  
"Uhhh No. She's just a..." Dib thought of an explanation. "weather balloon."  
  
Tak slapped her free hand to her forehead.  
  
"Ok cool." The college kid ran away satisfied.  
  
"You see *pant Huff*, earthlings are content and stupid to boot." The two laughed, still running away from the police.  
  
"By the way Tak. How is it your as tall as I am now?"  
  
"Well your human alcohol causes Irken biologies to change and morph, causing unexpected results, as you can see from my and apparently Zim's growth pattern. During one of the bad times in my life I consumed a little too much."  
  
"I get it."  
  
Later outside Dib and Zim's dorm room......  
  
"So..." Dib said leaning against his door, hand in his hair. "That was fun right?"  
  
Tak laughed.  
  
"Yes, it was....fun." Tak leaned against the door as well, right next to Dib.  
  
"So what happens now with you Tak?"  
  
"I don't know..." Tak said, kicking the ground. "Probably get another filthy job and work to stay alive on this disgusting mudball. No offense."  
  
"None taken."   
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Yeah..."   
  
"Well good night." The two said at the same time. Dib walked towards his door, only to be flung around by Tak who gave him a deep kiss. After about two minutes, she let him go.  
  
"HOLY CRAP!" Dib yelled out.  
  
"Yep." Tak replied smiling.  
  
"How do you even know how to do that?"  
  
"Cable."  
  
"Figures." Dib laughed. "So you wanna uhhhh cake?"  
  
"Cake? What the hell are you talking about?" Tak asked, scratching one of her antenna.  
  
"You know, the Irken word for sex or whatever."  
  
"What are you talking about? On Irk Sex is Sex. I don't know where you got 'caking' from."  
  
"Wait if Zim doesn't know about sex then what the hell was he doing that was called caking?" Dib shuddered, trying not to think about it.  
  
"Anyway, I'll see you around, stinky human." Tak softly punched Dib's arm.  
  
"Right back at ya." Dib did the same. Right before he entered his room, Dib spun around. "Wait Tak, what did you do with Zim?"  
  
"Something so horrible its not meant for human ears." Tak winked and started walking away. "I threw him in your closet."  
  
Meanwhile in Dib's closet.....  
  
"HEEELLLLPPP MEEEEEE!" Zim cried out as a boney claw, a metallic hand, and a hoof pulled him into the darkness.  
  
Epilogue.....  
  
"PITIFUL HUMAN! YOU PRACTICALLY SERVED ME UP TO HER!" Zim cried out, having escaped from the closet, no worse for wear.  
  
"Yeah yeah. Caking....yeesh." Dib muttered to himself. Just then, a knock came at the door.  
  
"Probably another wretch trying to get Phat Daddy Zim's digits." Zim said as he reached for the doorknob. Right as he touched the knob, the door flung open, crashing him into the wall. In the hall stood Tak, suticases under each arm and huge smile on her face.  
  
"Room for one more?"  
  
End Chapter 8............  
  
BUM BUM BUM! 


	9. Freestylin!

Do you know the message of the E? Do you? I don't think you do, well let me enlighten you. The message is to set the writer free. Not the writer in Zimbabwee mind you, the writer right here *points to chest* in your heart. Him too, but not until you've set the one in you free. I'm saying quit your day job. Most of you say nuts to you Scribe E, I can't quit my day job, I have kids man. Well I'm saying Screw the kids. WHOA! Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying SCREW the kids, I'm saying screw the kids. Now listen, after a couple years of earnet concentrated effort on your writing craft, I will swoop in and urge you to continue....  
  
OR I WILL SAY STOP! AND I SWEAR I DON'T CARE WHAT I SAID BEFORE, WHEN I SAY STOP: STOP or else penalties will be thought up.  
  
Ok that was silly. Much obliged to Tenacious D *The greatest band in the world* for that intro and Tak's rhyming skills. What do I mean by Tak's rhyming skills one may ask? Stick around and find out.  
  
Invader Zim: The College Years  
  
Chapter 9: Bust A Rhyme!  
  
"You ever look up at the stars and wonder what mysteries they have within them? The numerous civilizations they've shined over in their million years of existence? The infinite possibilities can boggle the mind!" Dib yelled out, lying next to Tak on top of the roof of the dorm building. "Ever wonder Tak?"  
  
"Well..." Tak said, looking up at the stars as Dib was next to her. "No."  
  
"Oh yeah." Dib looked over at the smiling Tak, shaking his head. "I forgot you're an invader of the GREAT IRKEN ELITE!"  
  
"Stop it silly." Tak smiled.  
  
"SEEING THE UNIVERSE! BLASTING ACROSS THE UNIVERSE IN YOUR SPACESHIP! THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN'T DO!"  
  
"HAHAHAHA! STOP IT YOU'RE GONNA MAKE ME THROW UP! HAHAHAHA!" Tak laughed hysterically as Dib got up and started mimicing a spaceshi[ rocketing through the universe.  
  
"I MUST INVADE! INVADE THE UNIVERSE IN MY GO POD!" Dib crouched in a ball and started rolling around the roof, Tak still laughing hysterically.  
  
"HAHAHAHHAHA...I..HAHAHAH...CAN'T....HAHAHAHAHA....STOP!" Tears swelled up in the female Irken's eyes as she laughed uncontrollably at Dib's impression. Her arms flailed about wildly, unknowingly to Dib.  
  
"I'M THE TALLEST! I COMMAND AN EMPIRE BASED ON MY HEIGHT!" Tak burst out laughing even harder, arms flailing even more. Unfortunately for Dib, he did not notice Tak's flailing arms. As he got close to Tak, her right arm slapped against Dib's legs, causing him to trip up and head toward the edge of the roof.  
  
"I...Dib?" Tak looked over to see no Dib in sight, only to hear out a high pitched scream.  
  
"OOOHHHHHH CRRRAAAAAA...." Dib couldn't get the curse all the way out as he spiralled toward the ground below and slammed into it at full force.  
  
The next day.....  
  
"I said I was sorry." Tak said, sitting on the floor of the dorm room, right next to Dib's bed. Dib laid there, staring at the ceiling above him, shaking his head, scratching at the cast on his arm.  
  
"Yeah I know. Wasn't your fault. But still I would've liked it better had my arm not been fractured in three different spots!"   
  
"Want me to make it up to you by using my image inducer to make me look like a naked Anna Kornakova?"  
  
"I....Yeah?" Dib said smirking, just as Zim burst through the door.   
  
"Oh great!" Zim said sarcastically. "She's still here!"  
  
"Yeah Zim, had you not noticed, Tak and I are dating."  
  
"....That's wrong on so many levels." Zim said shaking his head. "How will you even cake?"  
  
"You mean you really do think....?" Tak questioned, giving Zim the strangest look ever. "Ewwww."  
  
"The tallest told me all about the cakes and the bees when I was a young invader. Although they seemed to be giggling throughout the whole explanation, maybe because they were so happy of my understanding of the ritual at such a young age!"  
  
"......." Dib and Tak looked at each other silently, freaked out of their minds.   
  
"WHAT? WHAT?" Zim cried out, waving his arms up and down.  
  
"NOTHING!" Both Dib and Tak yelled out at the same time. Zim shook his head and a slumped onto his bed.  
  
"So anyway, I was thinking of trying out a new human form. I have it narrowed down to two images." Tak explained to Dib.   
  
"Oh yeah? Thats cool. Obviously they'll no doubt be better than Zim's disguises." Dib said pointing over to the poorly disguised Zim.  
  
"I'll have you know that my disguise is flawless to your human species." Zim proclaimed proudly.  
  
"Your eyes falling out." Tak said, pointing at the dangling human eye contact on Zim's eye lid.  
  
"Easily rectified, I just need to..." As Zim said this, he breathed in a little too deeply, causing the contact to fly into his mouth. Shocked by the occurence, Zim swallowed the eye causing it to lodge in his throat. "AAAAAKKKKK!"  
  
"Hehe, I don't even have to try to get revenge on Zim. His life's bad enough." Tak said, snickering at Zim's predicament.  
  
"Think we should help him?" Dib asked.  
  
"Give it twenty minutes." Tak said, Zim slamming his throat into the wall in a futile attempt to dislodge the eye.   
  
"So anyway, lets see those disguises."   
  
"Right." Tak pressed a button on her backpack, causing an hologram to swarm over her, giving her the appearance of a human. "So with this disguise I was hoping to go with the old disguise I wore, except aged a little to college human standards."  
  
Dib looked the disguise over and gave a thumbs up.  
  
"Awesome. Whats the other one?"  
  
"THIS!" Tak pressed another button on her backpack revealing another disguise.  
  
"You....look.....AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Dib burst out laughing looking at Tak, who had a disguise identical to Zim's with human eye contacts and long black hair.  
  
"AHAHAHAHHAHAHA!" The two laughed for a solid five minutes before stopping, Zim still flailing in the background.   
  
"CAN'T...BREATH!!!" Zim kept slamming into walls frantically until finally the contact became dislodged and slid down his throat.   
  
"Got that problem done Zim?" Dib asked, standing next to Tak.   
  
"No thanks to....Where did Tak go?" Zim asked, looking right at the poorly disguised Tak.  
  
"....You're an idiot Zim." Tak said, turning off the disguise and slapping him over the head.   
  
"YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH SOON TAK! SO ZIM SWEARS! I WILL....Ooo guests." Zim said as a number of 'Phat Daddy Zim' groupies walked through the door.   
  
"YO PHAT DADDY!" One of the rambunxious teens yelled out, standing along with a group of other college kids. "Check out dis noise!"   
  
The college kid slammed a flyer on the desk nearest to Zim. Zim leaned over to the flyer and examined it.  
  
"Nice contact by the way phat daddy. Killer." The college kid, pointing at Zim's human disguise less eye.  
  
"Yes, I like cheese as well." Zim replied, having no idea what a contact was called. Zim studied the flyer more closely. "What is a free style contest?"  
  
"AHAHAHAHAH Funny one Phat Daddy. We know how big of a free styler you must be, probably puts Eminem to shame with your ice cold rhymes. For real G."  
  
"I know not of what you....HEY!" Zim cried out as the crowd of kids lifted Zim up. "DON'T TOUCH MY SSSKKKIINNNN!"   
  
"We gotta get ready for this jizung P.H.Z. Come on, to the DANKTUARY!" The college kids hooted and hollared as they dragged Zim out of the room, Dib and Tak watching curiously as they left.  
  
"Well that was strange." Dib said, walking over to the desk and picking up the flyer.   
  
"What is this freestyle competition?" Tak asked curiously. "Is it a deathmatch between your people."  
  
"No its sort of like....well its rhyming words really fast and making a song type thing out of it."  
  
"That sounds....annoying."  
  
"....You're learning this earth stuff fast aren't you?" Dib said smiling, looking at the flyer more. "Now lets see.....HOLY JEEZ!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"1000 DOLLARS FOR THE WINNER! THATS A SPICEY MEATBALL!" Dib yelled out.  
  
"You have need of the thousand green pieces of paper?" Tak asked.  
  
"It would be nice, I mean I have been eating out of the garbage can downstairs for lack of cash." Dib cringed.  
  
"Very well, leave the room for an hour. When you return, together we will win this competition."  
  
"Huh? Really?" Dib asked.  
  
"Consider it done. Now leave." Tak said, pointing at the door. Dib walked out smiling.  
  
Meanwhile...on the other side of campus....  
  
"YOUR PHAT DADDY DEMANDS YOU TO TELL HIM WHY YOU HAVE BROUGHT HIM HERE!" Zim yelled out in the third person, watching as the college kids worked on something in the background.   
  
"Dude check it." One of Zim's follower said as he slammed a pipe against the table in front of the 'phat daddy'.   
  
"And this would be....?"  
  
"MARY JANE!" The kid yelled out, pointing at the pipe.   
  
"I see no girl here."  
  
"Dude, its reefa."  
  
"......?"  
  
"HAHAHAHA!" The kid laughed, Zim having no idea what was going on. "Your a funny one Zim, just breath in yo."  
  
Zim did as the kid said, breathing in as the pipe was shoved into his mouth and lit. Smoke flowed into Zim's lungs as he coughed and hacked.  
  
"WHAT IS.....?"  
  
"This is some good stuff yo? You already feelin it?" The kid asked.  
  
"I'm....I'm....ZIM SMASH!"   
  
"HOLY CRAP!" The kid yelled out as Zim began to grow in size.  
  
Meanwhile, back outside Dib's room.....  
  
"This is taking longer than an hour." Dib said, bored out of his mind. Just as he was about to fall asleep from boredom, the door swung open and there stood Tak. She was covered from head to toe in 'gangsta' clothes, hip hugging jeans, a bandanna, and gold rings on her fingers. Dark shades covered her eyes as numerous gold teeth filled her mouth.  
  
"Lets do dis." Tak said, walking past Dib, adjusting her rings.   
  
"Wow. What'd you do for the hour I was gone? Get a lobotomy?" Dib asked as the two walked out of the dorm.  
  
"I'll drop some knowledge on your punk ass lataz. For now, lets get our booties over to da...." Tak's jaw fell to the ground as she stopped in mid stride.  
  
"Uhhhh Tak?" Dib asked as Tak simply pointed forward. Before Dib could look, a shadow cast over him.   
  
"Strange." Dib thought before looking up. "Its not night....time...."   
  
"THE HIGHER ZIM GETS!" A 40 story Zim yelled, punching buildings as he yelled. "THE STRONGER ZIM GETS! RAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"HOLY CRAP!" Dib yelled out as Tak shoved him out of the way of Zim's large foot. "THAT'S....THAT'S ZIM! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?"  
  
"Let me analyze his ass on dis piece yo." Tak said, an instrument popping out of her backpack. The device scanned Zim with a red light, a picture of him appearing on its screen. Tak looked over the data appearing on the screen and quickly turned it off.  
  
"So? What the hell happened to make him that big?"  
  
"*Ahem*" Tak cleared her throat. "IRKEN ROCKING THE GHANJ!"  
  
"ENGLISH TAK! IN ENGLISH!"  
  
"Zim smoked some kind of wacky tobacky on your messed up planet G. Apparently that shizzle causes Irken biologies to go karazee up in here, causing a short period of da stupidness wit growth capabilities."  
  
"So basically, what your saying..." Dib said. "Zim's high and that caused him to grow big?"  
  
"What it is!" Tak nodded.   
  
"Wonderful." Dib said, shaking his head. "Anyway what do we do to get him back to normal?"  
  
"RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA! ZIM HATES BANNER!"  
  
"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?" Dib yelled out to Zim, having interrupted him. "The verdict Tak?"  
  
"Give it an hour G." Tak said shrugging.  
  
"NUTS TO THAT! Got any tranquilizers in that backpack of yours?" Dib asked. Tak nodded as two syringes popped out of the metallic backpack, she then handed them to Dib. "I'm goin in."  
  
"Its yo funeral homeslice." Tak responded, as Dib jumped onto Zim's rampaging leg.   
  
"PUNY DIB NO HURT ZIM! ZIM SMASH!" Zim's gigantic hand flung itself at Dib. Luckily, Dib saw the hand in time to fling himself to the other side of Zim's leg. Using all his strength, Dib slammed the two tranquilizers into Zim's leg and pushed them in.  
  
"There, that should...OOF!" Dib didn't see Zim's huge hand fly at him as it knocked him off the monstrous Irken's leg.  
  
"ZIM DESTROOOOOYYooooooyyyyyyyy....." As the large invader yelled this, he began to shrink at a rapid rate. "NOOOO ZIM CRUSH! ZIM SMASH! ZIM...zzzzzzzzzz"   
  
"Finally!" Dib cried out, standing next to a sleeping normal sized Zim. "Hey, why did his clothes grow too?"  
  
Just as Dib said this, Zim's clothes exploded for no reason, propelling Dib back and flinging him into a wall.  
  
"Ouch.....forget I asked."  
  
"Harlem World."  
  
That night......  
  
"One hand slapping against another makes a very nice noise for our first competetor's of the freestyling competition...." The announcer yelled out on top of a lighted stage, thousands of screaming kids watching. "TAK AND HER MAN SERVANT DIBBO!"  
  
"Jesus." Dib shook his head, now strewn in gansta attire. "Did we really have to go by that name?"  
  
"Roll with it homie." Tak said, jumping onto the stage with Dib behind her. "HOWS IT FLOWING TONIGHT G'S?"  
  
The crowd went nuts.  
  
"CHECK IT! People always asking me and my male man servant why they can't be as talented as us AND THATS THE COSMIC SHAAAMMME! BOOONOOOO GOO GIRL! YOU GOTS TA F-ING GOOOO GIIIIRRRRLLLLL! SOME PEOPLE LEARN IT IN THE STREETS OTHERS IN THE SCHOOLS! ME AND MY MAN SERVANT, WE LEARNED DIS PIECE FROM THE WOMB YO! CHECKITCHECKITCHECKIT OUT! RIGGORIGGAGAGA! RIGGOGOGOGOGOGA! DOODODODODODODO! THAT CRAP CAME OFF MY HEAD YALL!"  
  
"OFF THE TOP OF TAK'S HEAD YALL!" Dib chimed in, working a mean dj machine that appeared in front of him.   
  
"THATS DA COSMIC SHAME!" The two yelled out, a huge uproar of applause followed. Both Tak and Dib walked off the stage.  
  
"I'm such a tool." Dib said to himself, shaking his head.  
  
"Fo sheez."   
  
"Ok that was Tak and her Man Servant. Put your hands together for our next competitors, PHAT DADDY ZIM AND HIS CREW!"  
  
"Wait what?" Dib yelled out, watching a very strange looking Zim stumble on with a band behind him.  
  
"And A one...And a Two..." Zim said, stoned out of his mind.   
  
"He's still high? I thought it would wear off."  
  
"Apparently not yo, just the growing G." Tak replied.  
  
"I was gonna conquer your world, but then I got high!" Zim sang out, the band accompanying him. "Was gonna let Gir out of the closet, but then I got High! WHOOOAAAA! Was gonna kick Dib in the crotch, but then I got high! Forgot to report to the tallest and I know why..!"  
  
"WHY MAN?" Zim's band sang out.  
  
"Cause I got High, Cause I got High, Cause I got hIIIiiigggghhhHHH!" Zim, immediately after finishing his 'original' song, fell to the ground unconcious.  
  
"PHAT DADDY AND HIS POSSE EVERYONE!" The announcer yelled out. "With that, we will announce our winner. And that isssss........"  
  
"COME ON COME ON!" Dib yelled out.  
  
"MR ED AND THE CRAZIES!" The announcer yelled out, pointing to Gir, Mr. Ed and Gaz standing in the corner.   
  
"WE GOT MONEYS!" They all yelled at once, dancing around.  
  
"WHAT? BUT THEY DIDN'T EVEN PERFORM!!!" Dib yelled out, the three crazies rolling around in the thousand dollar prize money.  
  
"Its all about looks in this biz baby, and these three have IT!" The announcer said, pointing at the three.  
  
"No justice I swear." Dib said walking away with Tak.  
  
"Word." Tak replied putting her arm around Dib's shoulder.  
  
End Chapter 9...... 


	10. Jobs and such!

So where have I been you may ask? Well I've been in lazy town. Population Me. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Just read the thing FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!  
  
Chapter 10: Ching Ching MONEY!  
  
"Food Account: 0 Dollars." Dib said, looking at the computer screen with his personal information on it. "Travel Account: 0 Dollars. Personal Account: 30 cents."  
  
"I love you Sam." Zim mumbled in his sleep as he began relieving himself under the sheets.   
  
"Watching Zim mutter homosexual tendencies in his sleep as he wets himself: Priceless." Dib laughed and got up from his seat. "Zim! Zim WAKE UP! You're wetting your bed."  
  
"Huh? Wha? Flap jacks?" Zim's eyes opened as he jumped out of bed in horror. "Why is my bed wet?"  
  
"Obviously you have a disorder which is prevalant amongst children and you're experiencing its after affects."  
  
"Maybe or MAYBE NOT!" Zim whipped off the sheets of his bed to reveal a sleeping Gir, mountain dew pouring out of his exhaust pipe.  
  
"Ewww Mountain dew, thats worse than urine."   
  
"Correct Dib, although your Simpsons reference is bad in itself." Zim grabbed the unconcious Gir and threw him in his closet prison.  
  
"I'll Simpsons Reference you." Dib said, pouting.  
  
"Of course." Zim rolled his eyes.  
  
"Listen Zim, I'm completely out of money and you're going to have to help me raise up my funds."  
  
"Me help you? Laughable. Why would I, Zim the Great, Zim the wise, ZIM THE MOIST! help you."  
  
"Well." Dib replied. "No money from me, means no money for you. No money means no food. You dig?"  
  
"I can live off what I find." Zim looked around the room, picked up some spare change off the ground and swallowed it down, tears rolling down his eyes. "See...urk...Irk...Akk...Wins again!"  
  
"Sure." Dib said rolling his eyes. "I'll just have to go the more persuasive route."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean..." Dib reached into his pocket and pulled out a tape recorder. "THIS!"  
  
Dib pressed the play button on the recorder, a conversation between the two roommates blaring out of it.  
  
"So Zim, you're an alien right?" The recorded voice of Dib blared out.  
  
"Yesshh." The obviously piss drunk recorded voice of Zim replied.  
  
"And you like watching midgets doing dirty things don't you?"  
  
"Midgets RULE!"  
  
"Indeed. And would you tell the recorder exactly how you tried to take over the world using men's room toilets?"  
  
"I woulds slosh arounds in the toilets and use theys filty filth to hurts the noses of the populace."  
  
Dib turned off the recorder, Zim's mouth agap.  
  
"Go ahead and let the humans listen to it, they won't care anyway."  
  
"Oh, I will but only after Tak transfers it to the allmighty Tallest. I'm sure they'll like to hear your urine covered accounts."  
  
".......I hate you." Zim said, gritting his teeth.  
  
"Loves and kisses, now go get a job or something."  
  
Story #1: Dib's Day  
  
"Ok, job job job job jobby jobbidy job." Dib muttered to himself as he walked down the street past his college, looking for "Help Wanted" wherever he could. Dib went into a number of franchise coffee stores and hip with-it book stores, only to find each position filled with a college student such as himself. After about an hour of trying desperately, Dib was about ready to give up, until....  
  
"SCREW YOU MAN! YOU CAN TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT!" A disgruntled teenager with a goatee and dreds running out with his middle finger in the air. "See how well your store does WITHOUT MY EXPERTISE! I'M OUTTIE FO SHEEZE!"  
  
"FINE!" Yelled out the fat manager of the video store from where the teen had run out from, yelling in a thick Ukranian accent. "You no get discount on videos now then!"  
  
"Problems?" Dib asked, looking at the fat sweaty man.  
  
"You. You want good job yes?"   
  
"Uhhhh yeah, I guess. I don't have to take off my pants or anything do I?"  
  
"No, you work counter, make much money. Much. Get discounts free ya?"  
  
"Riiiigggghhhhhtttt. Was that english?" Dib asked as the Ukranian manager led him into the store.   
  
"You meet other workers. You work well, no problem. You make mistake, I pounce on you like gopher, yes?"  
  
"......Fair enough." Dib said, putting on a store t-shirt as the manager walked away and another employee walked up to him.  
  
"Hey man, what's up." The lanky long haired employee asked slapping his hand against Dib's. The employee tried to do an intricate 'ghetto' style handshake with Dib, but seeing as how the enemy of Irk had no idea what he was doing, he managed to break two fingers on his right hand.  
  
"AAAAAAAA! MY FINGERS!" Dib cried out holding his hand.  
  
"Wait dude let me fix it." The employee said taking out a big hammer.  
  
"NO! NO! I'm FINE SEE? AAAAAAAA!" Dib yelled out as he cracked his fingers back into position. "So...what's your name?"  
  
"My dawgs call me Sizz. Whattup?"   
  
"Not much. So anything I need to know about this job?"  
  
"Yeah, let me get the necessary things." Sizz pulled out a hacksaw, a keg of whiskey, and a .48 caliber handgun.   
  
"WHAT THE HELL?"  
  
"Yeah I know, we lost the shotgun when the boss said it wasn't necessary."   
  
"Why do we need this stuff anyway?"  
  
"For the job duh. Never worked at a video store huh?"  
  
"Not really."   
  
"Well basically the hacksaw is to scare away customers and the keg is to boost employee morale."  
  
"What's the gun for?"  
  
"Oh you'll know when the time comes." Sizz smiled and watched as a small child came in. "Here's a customer, you take care of him."  
  
"But I don't even know how to work the register yet!"  
  
"What's a register?" Sizz asked, sitting down in his chair and opening up a Playboy magazine.  
  
"Hi. My mommy gave me the member card and said I could rent a movie. Can I?"  
  
"Yeah sure I guess." Dib said smiling at the little kid. The twinkle in his eyes lit up as he ran to the kids section.  
  
"Work is going yes? WHAT THIS IS?" The manager cried out walking up to the small child and picking him up by the collar. "YOU LEAVE STORE NOW JUNKIE!"  
  
"HELP MOOOOMMMMYYYY!" The small child yelled as the fat manager threw him out of the store.   
  
"What the hell?" Dib cried out.  
  
"YOU LET THAT BOY IN STORE! HE HAVE DRUG EYES! HE CRACK BABY!"  
  
"But he's just a kid. I mean he couldn't be more than six years old." Dib said as the fat manager came up right to his face.  
  
"ONE MORE MISTAKE AND YOU FIRED!" The manager yelled, soon walking away.  
  
"Could I see that gun now?"  
  
"Told you you'd understand, dude." Sizz said, reading more into his skin magazine.  
  
Story #2: Zim's Day  
  
Zim walked out the door of his building and made his way to a street about a mile away. Carrying a backpack strapped to him, Zim looked for the appropriate place to start. He found a nearby corner right in front of a heavily populated area. Looking around, he noticed a lot of cars in front of him on the street and how each of them stopped at the lights next to him, allowing for more potential business. Zim then put his finger in his mouth, stuck it in the air and calculated the wind speed velocity of his position. After making a number of well thought out calculations and well placed schemes, Zim took out what was in his bag and set it up in front of him.  
  
"HANDJOBS! 20 DOLLARS!" Zim yelled out to the shock of the people around him. After a number of vacant stares and evil eyes, one dirty old man walked up to Zim.  
  
"I'll take one....please." The old man gurgled.  
  
"Very well human sir. Sit down please." Zim said pointing at the chair next to him.  
  
"We gonna do it here?"   
  
"OF course stinkbag, where else?" Zim said reaching into his bag.   
  
"Ok, let me get ready." The old man's hands began crawling towards his pants but before he could even reach his belt buckle, Zim grabbed his hand and chopped it off at the wrist. "AAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"Quiet, this'll only take a second." Zim threw away the hand into the sewer and grabbed a device from his backpack and jammed it into the screaming man's bloody stump. The device then wrapped around his wrist and created a large synthetic hand which began to strangle the disgusting old man.  
  
"HHAAAALLLPPPP!" He cried out, Zim watching happily.  
  
"Will that be cash or charge?"  
  
Story #3: Tak's Story.  
  
"HEY YOU!" Tak yelled out, hiding behind her well made holographic disguise. "MY BOYFRIEND NEEDS MONEY!"  
  
"So?" The disgruntled teenager replied.  
  
"So gimme a thousand dollars!" Tak cried out.  
  
"What? NO!" Tak replied to this answer with a brick to the student's head. "OW! WHAT THE HELL?"  
  
"I have a lot more bricks and from what I can see, you only have one head. PAY UP!  
  
Story #4: Gir's story  
  
We find Gir sitting in the closet, doing nothing except sleeping as mountain dew continued to flow out of his exhaust pipe. Mr Ed was in the corner of the closet, wearing Gir's dog costume stretched to the limit.  
  
"NNNEEEEEEE!" The horse cried out slamming against the walls.  
  
"Ssssshhhhhhh.' Gaz said painting her toenails and fingernails with peanut butter. "I'm becoming beutifal."  
  
Story #5: Dib's Story Part 2  
  
"YOU CAN TAKE YOUR MEMBERSHIP AND SHOVE IT! I AIN'T GONNA PAY NO FINE! I NEVER DONE RENTED NO MOVIE! YOU TRY AND PROVE IT PIGS!" A drunk disorderly man yelled as he breathed whiskey smelling air into Dib's face.  
  
"It's a two dollar fine sir, for a movie that you rented. WE HAVE YOU ON TAPE FOR GOD'S SAKE!"  
  
"That ain't me! THAT AIN'T ME! That's my cousin......Lerlene! She likes to dress up as me and rents movies under my name! I done told her to stop doing such things when she done had my baby!"  
  
"*Sigh* How many shots of whiskey have you had today?" Dib asked, tapping his finger on the trapdoor button underneath the desk.  
  
"HOW DARE YOU GOOD SIR? I AM OUTRAGED!"  
  
"You just messed yourself sir." Dib pointed at the drunken man's pants, now soiled.  
  
"LERLENE!" The man cried out the door as he ran out. "START THE CAR! THE JIGG'S UP!"   
  
"That's it. No amount of money is worth this." Dib took off the shirt and threw it on the ground.   
  
"Dude! YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME HERE!" Sizz yelled out.  
  
"Come with me! THERE'S A WHOLE WORLD OUT THERE BEYOND THIS STORE AND THE MANAGER WHO SMELLS LIKE PEE!"   
  
"But I need the money dude."  
  
"I think you could make more money being a circus chimp begging peanuts then here." Dib replied.  
  
"Point taken. FREEDOM!" Sizz yelled throwing his shirt on the ground as well.  
  
"WHAT IS THIS GOING?" The fat manager yelled running up to the two employees.  
  
"Wait, I'm sure we can discuss this rationally and come to beneficial terms for both parties and KIYYYAAAAA!" Dib then proceeded to kick the manager in the family jewels and ran out of the store as numerous amount of people began to loot the store in question.   
  
Story #5: End of the Day  
  
"I made 5 dollars from some of the videos I sold from the store." Dib replied sitting in the room next to Zim and Tak. "Zim?"  
  
"I made 410 dollars off 'handjobs'." Zim replied.  
  
"I'm not even gonna ask. Just give me the money."  
  
"I, however, spent it on magic beans which will help me to conquer your planet!" Zim outstretched his hand holding his purchase.  
  
"Those aren't beans Zim, they're laxatives and poorly made ones at that."  
  
"AAAA! THEY'RE ENTERING MY SKIN!" Zim cried out as the laxatives began seeping into his skin.  
  
"I'm done for." Dib sighed, shaking his head.  
  
"Not true, I made ten thousand dollars!" Tak dropped a huge sack of money on the bed.  
  
"HOLY CRAP! How did you even knew I needed money?" Dib asked sorting through the sack.  
  
"I had a hunch when you took me on a date to Chuck E Cheese."  
  
"Hey, don't diss the pizza. At least you got a show when you ate."  
  
"IT BURRRRNNNNSSSS!" Zim cried as he began holding his rear end.   
  
End Chapter 10  
  
I'll try to pound out more chapters to various things before school approaches. Have a fun rest of the summer Gents!.............I don't know where I am right now.  
  
Zim: That's great. 


	11. Lord of the.....Stuff

Many years have passed and Much has been forgotten. Until now.....  
  
Invader Zim: The College Years  
Chapter 11  
  
In the land of uhhhhhh Earth, consoles of power were created to unite the peoples of the land. Three video games consoles were given to the fanboys who were wise in the mastery of all useless information regarding science fiction and children's novels. Eleven were given to the midgets who stayed in their caves, searching for high heeled pumps and stilt shoes. Nine were given to the virgins who above all desired actual girlfriends instead of false ones. All was right in the world.  
  
However, the peoples of the land of ummmmmmm Earth did not see the evils arising in the distant land of Mordor. Here, the lord of Mordor: Bill Gates, created a secret console. "One console to rule them, one to bring them all together, and in the darkness bind them." All seemed lost.....  
  
Until a gathering of virgins and fanboys joined together to challenge Mordor's ranks.  
  
*Large scene of 40 year old men with their stomachs coming out of their shirts in armor walking down the rocky terrain as goblins and such run to them*  
  
The war seemed all but won.......  
  
But Bill Gates had the console!  
  
*Cue Bill Gates slamming thousands of fanboys and virgins around with his large console*  
  
Then when all seemed lost, Gonthor the fanboy, realizing he could no longer stay in his parents' basement apartment, picked up his dead father's sword in anger and cut the console from Gates, winning the war and vanquishing the tyrant.  
  
At that moment, Gonthor had the chance to destroy the one console, but the hearts of fanboys are easily swayed. 5 minutes later, the console abandoned Gonthor but something happened then that the console did not foresee. It fell into the possesion of the most unlikely of creatures.....  
  
"What is this?" Zim cried out as he looked at the dead guy outside his dorm room, various arrows sticking out his back. "Huh, a corpse present apparently."  
  
Zim ripped off the console from the fanboy's back.   
  
"Zim, did you clean the..... OH MY GOD THERE'S A DEAD GUY ON OUR DOORSTEP!" Dib cried as he had just returned from class.  
  
"Its a corpse present obviously, someone has sacrificed themselves to bring me what appears to be a.....brick?" Zim searched the console over with his eyes.  
  
"Its a game console Zim, not a brick." Dib snatched it away from Zim and examined it. "Jeez its got blood all over it."  
  
"Blood makes everything BETTER, LIKE SANDWICHES!" Zim cried out, snatching the console back.  
  
"Whattup dudes?" A tall grey haired man with a grey beard appeared from the room next to Zim and Dib's. He was wearing a long pointy hat and had a large wooden staff in his right hand.  
  
"Oh great. It's Gandalf." Dib sighed rolling his eyes. "What the hell do you want?"  
  
"Nothing, just checkin out your digs. I mean what are neighbors for?" Gandalf began rummaging through Dib and Zim's stuff.  
  
"Hey come on dammit, I have to study." Dib pouted.  
  
"'s Cool man, 's cool. Wizard's gotta eat too right? Awesome bro, awesome." Gandalf, after taking a number of things from the room, walked out and gave the two a peace sign with his fingers.  
  
"Man, he is a weird neighbor. Even weirder than you Zim." Dib awaited the usual comeback line, only to find Zim staring at the console. "Uhhh Zim? What are you..... HEY THAT ASS STOLE MY MONEY!"  
  
"My....precious...." Zim muttered, staring at the console some more. Dib searched through his things a bit more before attending to Zim's weirdness, seeing if the misplaced wizard had stolen anything else of value.   
  
"Well down to studyi....Zim what are you doing with that thing?"  
  
"Huh?" Zim snapped out of his trance and dropped the console to the ground. "NOTHING NOTHING! What is this object anyway? Be it a weapon of destruction?"  
  
"What? No man. It looks like a video game. I should be studying, but what the heck, lets see what this thing does." Dib picked up the console off the ground and plugged it into the television. Zim watched warily as Dib finished plugging it in and turned on the power.  
  
As the television flared on, a large red eye appeared on the screen. Both Zim and Dib jumped back as the eye scared the beejezus out of the both of them.   
  
"HOLY CRAP!" Dib cried as he quickly turned off the machine.   
  
"This is a 'video game'?" Zim questioned.  
  
"Well usually you can play games and they don't scare the hell out of you. But yeah, lots of people play these all the time."  
  
"All the time you say? Yeesssss. Maybe I can use this to my advatage. My.....preccciiiooouuussssss." Zim said, stroking his hands together.  
  
"Hey." Tak said walking into the room with her holo-costume on. "You know that old wizard tried to pinch my butt as I walked in."  
  
"That GANDALF IS SUCH AN ASS!" Dib yelled as Zim took the console, snatched Gir out of the closet and went outside.  
  
"What're we doing outside master?" Gir asked looking around, happy to be out of his closet prison.  
  
"I have need of you in a new plan to overtake this puny stink planet." Zim placed the console on the ground and began pacing around it. "We need to figure out a way to conquer everything using this thing that Dib calls a 'vitchio bame'. Do I have your support on this one Gir?"  
  
Just then three strange figures emerged from the shadows, even though there were no shadows....Wait a minute....  
  
"You have my sword." Said the man-like creature.  
  
"And my bow." Said the elf-like creature.  
  
"And MY AXE!" Said the dwarf-like creature.  
  
"Uhhhhhhh who are you?" Zim asked, scratching his head.  
  
"Just some guys." The three men then disappeared into the shadows as mysteriously and pointlessly as they had before.   
  
"Oooooooooookkkkkkk."   
  
"TODAY IS MY ONE HUNDRED AND ELEVENTETH BIRTHDAY!" Gir cried out, sticking out his tongue right after he finished talking.  
  
"Don't make me lock you back up into the closet. Now, using this console we will overtake the human sewage and make their minds ours!" Zim held the console high over his head and began tinkering away on it.  
  
"WIRES AND SWITCHES AND GAMES OH MY!" Gir sang out, dancing around Zim as he continued his workings.   
  
"One last switch of this button and we should be able to take the minds of everyone on the planet within our thrall! STAND BACK GIR AND WATCH THE MAGIC OF ZIM AND HIS....MAGICAL....FLUTE?" Zim shrugged his shoulders and flipped the switch of the machine. The Irken Invader looked around wondering where all his loyal slaves were. "What? Why didn't anything happen?"  
  
"I blame the economy!" Gir yelled out. Zim held up his hand to smack Gir, only to find that Gir wasn't next to him.  
  
"Gir where are you?"  
  
"Right here duh!" A voice sprang up right from where Gir was standing before, and yet no one was there now.  
  
"What?....Wait a minute? This thing just made you invisible? WHAT A RIP OFF!" Zim threw the console away dissatisfied and walked back to the dorm....Gir on the other hand.  
  
"Doo Doo Doo." Gir looked down to see nothing when usually he would see his tiny metal body, or at best his metal body within its horrible dog costume. "Well off to Mordor then....or the toilet. Heehehehehe!"  
  
Back at the dorm....  
  
"OF ALL THE URG URG URG STINKY THINGS TO MAKE! THAT STUPID CONSOLE!" Zim cried out, kicking the wall with impatience.  
  
"What were you trying to do this time Zim? Make a world conquering sponge monster?" Tak laughed.  
  
"No! I...hmmmm." Zim took out his notebook and wrote down 'Sponge Monster'. "The console I found did nothing except make my dumb robot turn invisible."   
  
"That's fascinating. Now would you mind explaining why my orange juice has been drunken by someone other than me?" Dib asked stubbornly, shaking the empty container.  
  
"Sorry dude." Gandalf said, appearing in the middle of nowhere out of a puff of smoke. "My bad, I had the thirsts. You gotta quench that stuff yo. Anyway, peace."  
  
"Wait a..." Before Dib could finish, the old wizard dissappeared. "THAT ASS! Why does he keep stealing my stuff?"   
  
"Wanna get back at him?" Tak smiled, sitting next to Dib.   
  
"Oh yeah, that old wizard fart has had this coming for a long time." Dib smiled, rubbing his hands together. "You want in on this Zim?"  
  
"Join my forces with one such as you? Never!"  
  
"You know he was the one who blew up your Voot Cruiser that one time when he got drunk at that party."  
  
"THAT WAS HIM?" Dib nodded. "He shall pay."  
  
"Good, now here's my idea, first we get Gandalf plastered. Then we throw in a hobbit or two in his general vacinity and record whatever happens." Dib leaned back in his chair, proud of his plan. Tak and Zim stared blankly at their human roommate.  
  
"Riiiiiggghhhtttt. That or we could just sucker punch him when he falls asleep." Tak replied.   
  
"Whatever." Dib said, shrugging. "Ok, at around one in the morning tonight, we go into his room and beat him with some soaps on ropes. Tubular."  
  
"Tubular?" Tak questioned, one eyebrow raised.  
  
"Ok that was bad." Dib said.   
  
Later that night, around one in the morning.....  
  
"Stealth Suits?" Dib asked.  
  
"Check." Tak replied.  
  
"Infrared goggles?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Nanotechnology?"  
  
"Check."  
  
"Soaps on ropes?"  
  
"Check." Tak spun the soap on a rope.  
  
"THE CROTCH IS TOO TIGHT! ITS TOO TIGHT!" Zim yelled pulling down the suit.   
  
"Ok let's go!" Dib cried out as they ran into the wizard's room. Stealthily sneaking from wall to wall, the three assailants moved to the nearest bed and brought their ropes above their heads. Just as the figure in the bed began to arouse, the three roommates brought their soaps down on the mattress, hitting the figure over and over. After about five minutes of walloping and screaming, the three figures left the room.  
  
"Woo Hoo! We showed that Gandalf! No more stealing our.....stuff...?" Dib looked down the hall as he saw the old wizard stumbling toward them.   
  
"What a great party. Oh hey jiggas! Whattup?"   
  
"Gandalf? What the hell?"   
  
"You guys shoulda been at the party yo, me and my homeboys stole all their...whats with the get-ups?"  
  
"Uhhhhh nothing!" Tak yelled out.   
  
"Cool, cause my roommate Frodo has this big exam tomorrow and if he gets woken up he'll be pissed off."   
  
The three roommates looked uneasily at one another and ran back into their room.   
  
The next morning......  
  
"So, that was pretty much a bust." Dib got out of bed, putting on his glasses and scratching through his hair.  
  
"I could've spent the night perfecting a new deathray but NOOOOOO! We have to beat the old wizard who ISN'T THE OLD WIZARD! Stupid humans." Zim got out of bed as well and had some of his machines begin putting on his human disguise.  
  
"Moooorrnninnngggg duuuudddeeessss." Gandalf said as he appeared out of the wall, Zim quickly putting on the rest of his disguise before the old wizard could see him.  
  
"What do you want?" Dib asked.  
  
"Well my roomie Frodo went into a coma last night for some reason. Its really weird y'know. Anyway, when I was in the bathroom of the party last night this console appeared out of nowhere and then said TACOS, weird stuff indeed."  
  
"The console! Wow, can't believe you found it!" Dib yelled out reaching for it.  
  
"Wait, let me try something!" Gandalf waved his hands up in the air and a fireplace mystically appeared in front of him. A raging fire blazed within it as he threw the console in.  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Dib yelled out watching the console in the fire.  
  
"No wait, watch this, letters will appear and junk." The wizard watched as the console burned and after about 15 minutes of being in the flame, the console crumpled into dust and blew away. "Whoops. That didn't work."  
  
"YOU ASS! YOU JUST DESTROYED IT!"  
  
"Sorry dudes. Don't be a narq about it or nothing. Catch you on the flipside." Gandalf then disappeared once again into smoke.  
  
"That guy is such an ass." Dib said.  
  
"MY PRECIOUS!" Zim cried out shoving his hands into the fire. "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"  
  
"Don't see that everyday." Tak said, awoken by the screaming.   
  
Across town........  
  
"Leave me Samwise Girgee." The comatose Frodo yelled out, being pushed into the hospital. "I must go to Mordor alone."  
  
"OookkkKKKKK." Gir then walked away.  
  
"You want the light in your room on or off?" The hospital attendee asked.  
  
"PUT IT OUT YOU FOOLS PUT IT OUT!"   
  
End Chapter 11. 


End file.
